#im trying to remind myself that im allowed to make not-realistic figures

[note-a-bear]

A birb

[alwaysabeautifullife]

How did you learn so many languages. Do you have any tips?

Yes!!!! Yes I do!!!

Everything I wish I could tell myself before starting my language “journey” lol:

🦩Dont be intimidated

Don’t be intimidated, specifically by doing listening or speaking practice. I know in the US (or for most English speakers), when we hear someone that speaks perfect English but merely has an accent we think “they don’t speak English”, but from experience this mentality is not shared with other languages. When you know even a little bit of a language or can’t speak it very well, natives speakers are really really encouraging. I think since we view not being 100% fluent without so much as an accent, as “not knowing any of a language” we are hard on ourselves and give up pretty easily.

🦩Listening practice is as important as studying vocabulary and grammar

When you listen to native speakers talk, you are training your ear even though you don’t understand it. Listen and listen, eventually your brain stops picking out English words that aren’t even there, but rather, starts to catch patterns in the language (for example, the same words sticks out to you over and over).

🦩Set realistic and doable goals or you’ll get discouraged and quit

If you are a busy person, make small goals to fit language study in. Don’t tell yourself that you need to master _____ within a week. Instead give yourself 15 mins of reading in the evening, and 25 mins of language listening in the morning. It’s also easier to add the language into stuff you do on a daily basis anyway. For example if you are religious, find your prayers you pray daily in the language you are learning.

🦩learn to read the language first (obviously this tip might not be applicable for character based languages like Chinese)

I know everyone says “immersion is the best and most important part of language” but honestly, a lot of our native speaking knowledge comes from our literacy education. When we are taught how to read, it’s through reading we can discover new words through context. It’s also easy to pick up new language reading since it’s available anywhere, where immersion is only available when you are surrounded by native speakers. The first thing I do is learn how to read and write the language, then the entire language becomes accessible to me.

🦩Spend time perfecting the sounds of the language that are most difficult for you

The vocal sounds of a language is the foundation of a language. I know we are all impatient and want to simply learn as many phrases as possible as fast as possible, but if you get down the unfamiliar sounds of a language that don’t exist in English, you’ll have a better foundation of the language and your speaking and listening will be better from the very beginning. So take the time to practice those weird sounds by looking into the position of the tongue and where the sound comes from, from the chest to the lips. Look into how tense the mouth is, how much air comes from the lips, what the sound is like next to other sounds. When you master this speaking becomes more instinctual and it’s easier to pick up the language.

🦩Search YouTube, google, Instagram IN THE LANGUAGE YOU ARE STUDYING.

Don’t search “korean music” or “korean kids tv” or even “korean vegetables” in google. Just translate how to say them in a translator app, then copy and paste them into the search bar. This way native korean information, videos, posts will come up. For example, if you’re in the mood for some horror comics, and want to read/watch them in the language you are learning, go to the translator app, and figure out how to say them, then search it. It works way better, even if the translation isn’t correct or more natural, you’ll still get the information, posts, and videos you want to see.

🦩Find ways to practice speaking the language (I use HiNative) and don’t be discouraged by corrections.

Getting corrected does not mean you’re wrong, corrections are the most useful part of learning a language. If you are the type of person who is sensitive to criticism, you need to remind yourself corrections are NOT criticism. They are NOT a reflection of your progress, they are NOT you failing! You will always be corrected as a language learner and the sooner you are gentle with yourself in learning the sooner you will learn more. Get those first corrections out of the way, allow yourself to butcher pronunciation, get corrected for the first 10 times, let it sting a little and move on. Eventually you will be begging native speakers to tell you every little detail in where you went wrong!

🦩Tv and Books seems to be more useful for immersion and listening practice then music does

So far in my experience music is its very weird and abstract, and the things said in music aren’t really useful in speaking? It’s good for gathering vocab, but if you want music listening practice that’s music based try searching for rap in that language, although obviously you’ll be picking up a lot of informal language in music/rap. Tv shows however are typically how people really do talk, so turn off English subs and just listen! Books are really useful for learning new vocabulary, but sometimes written language is different than spoken (often), although when you speak it the way you’ve learned from a book the worst you’ll sound is “formal and poetic”.

🦩Look up “insert language you are learning phrases and words that aren’t useful or correct”

There so many programs and books that teach you phrases you’ll never use or that are only appropriate in very specific situations. I don’t know why language programs do this, but learning which ones are weird or only in specific settings before you start learning really helps. Chinese Especially does this...like I learned so many phrases and words that natives will never use and have no purpose???

🦩Know the different subjects of learning a language and which apps to use for that

Everyone uses Duolingo, but this app alone won’t make you speak a language. Duolingo and Memrise are great for memorizing vocab, but, is it vocab that in the context of your reading and listening practice? Are you learning words you are hearing and reading all the time? Duolingo is a lot of fun but I feel like the vocab is so broad and it doesn’t go deep enough into the language. Feel free to use it at first to get used to the sounds of the language, but try using flash card apps like quizlet or Anki instead where you can write down and study words you are hearing constantly. Memrise does have actually study sets for many language books and lessons! So you can study words you are hearing in specific programs and books which is pretty useful in regards to vocab.

There obviously is more than just learning vocab. What about grammar, listening practice, speaking practice and reading? If you are wanting to use primarily apps find out which apps are available for your language. Here is an example of the apps I use for each subject. Be aware some languages are not available on them.

Vocab: quizlet, anki

Grammar: books (printed or kindle), YouTube grammar lessons, websites

Reading: books (printed or kindle), beelinguapp, instagram (posts that have text), Netflix/YouTube with both subtitles in the language you are learning and spoken in language you are learning, epic app

Writing: just use paper and pencil/pen

Listening: audio books (beelinguapp/epic/kindle/YouTube), tv and movies (Netflix/YouTube etc with no English subs), conversations on YouTube (search in language you are studying, don’t search “Spanish conversations” or “Japanese conversations”)

Speaking: HiNative (pretty much all I use since it’s all languages, quick, and you get immediately answered and corrected by native speakers), get friends in language you are learning through lots of apps

Translator: it’s really hard to find a good one, most of them are really weird so only use them for words and the most basic or simple phrases and sentences, otherwise use HiNative to ask native speakers directly, or ask people on the apps that connect you to native speakers

🌱I should note that for talking to native speakers I only like HiNative, since it’s built to NOT be a form of social networking at all. It’s not personal in anyway, and there’s no way to private message or speak to other users outside a asking questions publicly. The people on there are only about learning or teaching a language, not usually making friends. I’ve found the sites that are built to make native speaking friends aren’t useful to me personally, as most of the native speakers are either dudes looking for a woman to date or people wanting to only practice English with you, so they wasted a lot of my study time. People who are willing to help you learn are there, but it takes time to filter everything else out. If you would find it helpful to make friends by all means use them but I don’t really use it myself.🌱

You don’t want to really study EVERY SUBJECT every single day (unless you have the time). It can get really overwhelming, and you don’t really absorb information that if you are just cramming. While I would say it’s good to read and listen daily, spread subjects out over the week. Grammar on Monday and Friday, vocab on Tuesday and Thursday. Take one day to review all of what you’ve learned all week. Pick a day you have the largest block of free time. Bi-weekly works fine too.

I have an old post on how I organize my study time for multiple languages: https://alwaysabeautifullife.tumblr.com/post/182817883372/what-do-you-use-to-learn-your-languages-im

🦩Write sentences daily of everything you’ve learned (no THIS I RECOMMEND DAILY)

Write as many as you can. Use all the grammar you’ve learned, the words you’ve learned, everything! Write them in your notes and submit them to be corrected in HiNative. The sentences they correct, put them in flash cards!

🦩It’s ok to abandon languages you aren’t passionate in

So you’ve learned to read the language, and you know basic phrases, and now you just don’t want to do it anymore. If you can’t think of any reason to maintain it and don’t know why you are studying it, learning some of the language is good! Fluency does NOT need to be everyone’s goal. You can hold a conversation, and that’s good enough for you. Feel free to try out various languages, there will be one or some that really are your passion, it’s fine to have the goal of fluency in those and conversational in others.

Don’t abandon languages however because you feel discouraged. Discouragement is just a bump to get over, when you train your brain to maintain study habits through the days you feel discouraged, you make it habitual. Habits are harder to break and abandon! Evaluate your reasonings for wanting to speak a language, and your reasons for abandoning them if you want. Don’t let difficulty, disorganized, discouragement, or poor time management get in your way!!

🦩With all that said it’s ok to take breaks

It’s ok to get overwhelmed and take breaks from language learning. If you can still maintain what you’ve learned by listening to music in your language or staying connected in some way that’s good, but the “you’ll loose a language” isn’t entirely true. I’ve taken year long breaks and refreshing what I learned previously is pretty easy! Your brain really does go “oh yeah I do remember this!” when you’re studying information you studied years ago.

🦩Be gentle with yourself

Be gentle with yourself. People that claim to be fluent in 6 months are selling something or want to be an influencer. Don’t compare yourself to them. Language learning even for natives is a lifetime education. It’s not something you do for 6 months then stop. It’s continual and that looks different for everyone (yes native speakers included). Don’t bother watching YouTube videos on how to learn in 10 mins or 3 months, you’ll only get discouraged about your own amazing progress and all the work you’ve done.

🦩Plan your “can you say something in it” phrase now

This one is just for fun but after hearing you are learning a language the first thing you’ll get asked is “oh cool you speak (insert target language here)? Can you say something in (insert target language here)?” It does not matter what level of fluency you are at, you will absolutely forget the entire language and your own native language when you are asked this because it sends your brain to another dimension. So think of some funny phrases to say to people who ask, master them, then when they ask what they mean you can have a laugh. Other wise you will say something stupid of jumbled words (my go to was ‘we women are fruit’ for some reason thanks brain you’re incredible) you’ve learned that don’t belong in a sentence, or even worse you’ll run a blank and you’ll just look at them like:

🍳👄🍳

So think of inside jokes to tell your friends, funny phrases, even goofy insults! Memorize them and tell them at your friends and family to torture them because they can’t escape sound waves! It’s a good way to memorize the language but also to become confortable speaking it!

Please excuse any errors I don’t wanna go over my mistakes so pretend u can’t see them 🙈

[wisewidow]

Cloudy With A Chance Of Assassination

PAIRING: Yelena Belova x Reader

SUMMARY: My new girlfriend takes meeting the relatives to a whole new level.

It's cloudy up ahead, but patches of sunlight leak through certain gaps like chinks in the sky's armour, and a warm silver lines the clouds as the sun sets behind them. There are no pink or orange hues in the sunset this cloudy evening, just tinted blue and cream with grey mountains in the distance and muted coloured trees at their bases. I have one hand on the wheel of the car Yelena and I just bought together, a sleek black Fiesta, and the other on my partner in crime's thigh. She has her window rolled down, the high speed we're going at blowing her golden hair everywhere. I drum my fingertips along the wheel as an upbeat song starts to play.

She's lost in the clouds, I can tell. I ask her if she's imagining pictures out of the white puffs, but either the roaring wind at one ear or the song at her other is blocking her from hearing my words.

I squeeze her thigh. She smacks my hand and glances sideways at me, mossy green eyes playful. I allow myself a single glance before looking back at the road. "I asked what you're seeing in the clouds."

She turns the radio dial down. "What?"

I snort. "Nevermind."

"You wanted attention?"

I flip her the bird, earning a boisterous laugh from her. "You were!"

I mimic her accent in a high-pitched voice. "You were totally like, give me attention! Because I'm Yelena Belova and I'm so special!"

"I don't sound like that," she objects. "You once said, and I quote, 'your voice is deep and sexy, like if a dressage horse could speak.'"

I frown. "I don't remember that. Was I drunk?"

"You were trying to outdrink me."

"Oh. Were you cheating? I don't black out that easily."

"No, I wasn't. And yes, you do."

I grumble and turn the radio up again. She hums along to the song, Snap Out Of It by the Arctic Monkeys. We drive until the sun goes down, or at least until I notice her energetic nature die down like a used battery. I search up the nearest motel on my phone and by the time I've pulled in, she's asleep.

I switch the engine off and relax into my seat. I allow myself a few seconds to admire the girl beside me.

I met her through a friend of mine, who lived in the apartment beside hers. I'd visit frequently, and she noticed and eventually grew tired of me oggling her everytime I passed her on the way out. So she coerced me into drinking too much red wine and then sent me over to her door, drunk and giggling.

I didn't know much about her past. She's from Russia, and she sometimes jokes that she's actually a trained assassin. She grew up in a foster home, got close with a girl named Natalia, who ended up living in the Big Apple as a high school teacher with a husband who renovates houses. She calls her every other week before bed, I think, when I spend the night and she thinks I'm asleep. I never hear what they're saying, but I enjoy falling into slumber listening to the soft hum of her voice through the plaster walls.

I admire her small, round, button nose, the even slope of her jawline, her long lashes that brush against her subtly tanned skin. We've only been dating for two months, but I'm positive I'm im love with her. We haven't exchanged those words yet, though. The car is actually our first and only big step.

I gently shake her shoulders to wake her up, and she grumbles sleepily as she shifts and peeks up at me. "Where are we?"

"Motel. Didn't feel like driving home. Come on, lazy bones, let's get you a pillow."

Once we're settled in a room, stripped of jeans and bras so we're just wearing shirts and underwear, I drift off with my head on her shoulder and my hand wrapped around her stomach.

When I wake up, the first thing I notice is the dried drool in the corner of my mouth. I don't think much of it other than the teasing I'd endure in the morning when Yelena finds out I drooled on her.

I pull her closer and then frown.

I am holding a pillow.

My girlfriend is not said pillow.

I rub my eyes and sit up. It's still dark outside, and the clock on my phone reads three in the morning. I scan the room for her figure, but I can't see her silhouette lingering in any of the shadowed corners. I frown and push the duvet off of my body, shivering slightly as I maneuver around the bed and into the bathroom.

No sign of her.

I'm starting to get worried.

Quickly, I grab my jeans — at least I think they're mine — and force my legs through them. I slip my phone in my pocket and head to the door.

It's locked, which doesn't make sense, because my current assumption that Yelena had gone out for a quick smoke would mean that she wouldn't have gone far enough to warrant locking the door.

I swallow down the bad feeling in my gut and step outside.

The upper wrap-a-round level of the motel showed no people in sight. I head to the stairs and down to the front desk, where a young man with purple streaks in his hair sits, droopy-eyed and scrolling mindlessly through his phone.

"Um, excuse me, sir?" I ask tentatively, rubbing the goosebumps off my arms. I hadn't brought my jacket.

His eyes flick up to meet mine. "Sir? You're friendlier than your girlfriend."

"I'm assuming you mean the blonde, very pretty, homicidal-looking woman I came in with?"

He sighs, turning his phone down. "Look, this is a motel. Things like this happen a lot. My advice is to run before the wife sees you."

I stare at him blankly.

He stares back.

"Uh, what?"

"A tall redheaded woman came by, stole your girl for a talk. They were squabbling about you. I assumed . . . oh. You didn't know. Well, who knows, could be a relative or something."

My heart hammers against my ribcage wildly. I have to keep reminding myself that Yelena loves me, that she wouldn't cheat on me, or cheat on anyone else with me, or . . . I feel myself becoming pale. Her scars, I'd never thought much of them, but with her mysterious past, and this mysterious paramour? She was running away from the woman who had now found her.

"Where did they go?" I demand, anger rushing through my veins.

He shakes his head, looking sympathetic. "I've seen this play out before, trust me when I say you don't want to confront—"

"Tell me where they went or I will make you swallow your own fist."

He recoils. "Christ, fine, they're in the parking lot. For the record, I hope you get a good slappin'!"

I speed walk out of the motel and around the back, adrenaline rushing. I stop when I spot two figures under a streetlight by my car, one taller and waving her arms around as she speaks and the other, unmistakably my Yelena, glaring up with her arms crossed.

I march over to them. Their heads snap in my direction almost immediately. The redheaded woman pulls out a gun and aims it at me.

I yelp and freeze, hands up in surrender. Yelena yells something in Russian and smacks the weapon out of her hands before rushing towards me. "(Y/N), what are you doing?"

"We're leaving," I say, completely freaked out. "Right now. You run, tell the guy in the office to call 911. I'll fight her off."

"What? No! (Y/N), this is my sister! She's just paranoid."

I gape at her. "I thought she was a science teacher!"

"I told you we should have met somewhere else," the redhead hisses.

Yelena spits back in Russian.

"No, no Russian! Explanation, now!" I turn to the woman. "You're Natalia?"

"Natasha."

"Okay, Natasha the science teacher who owns a gun, what are you doing here?"

Her lips tighten into a fine line. "I'm not a science teacher, I'm an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., and I wasn't expecting Yelena to have company when I came here to drag her back home."

Yelena starts spurting more angry Russian words that mean nothing to me as I try to process what's happening. The two sisters argue for a solid two minutes while I decide I must be dreaming.

The lies. The scars. The mystery. The jokes about being an assassin.

This is a living nightmare.

I turn and walk away.

Yelena calls out, "(Y/N)! Wait!"

I don't stop until I've reached our room, where I promptly grab my jacket and bra and shove them in my bag.

"(Y/N), don't leave," Yelena begs when she catches up, blocking the doorway with her body. "Let me explain, love, please."

"Get out of my way," I snap.

She doesn't flinch, doesn't turn around as she closes the door and backs up against it as if to provide another barrier between me and the world she's trying to hide.

"Yelena," I warn.

"Let me explain," she pleads.

I stare her down, but she doesn't seem to be budging any time soon. I drop my bag on the floor and sit on the bed with my arms crossed, glaring at her. "Fine. Enlighten me."

She slowly eases away from the door. "I didn't lie to you about everything. I'm one hundred percent Russian, and I consider Natalia to be my sister, and we did grow up together. But we were trained together, too. As assassins."

"Fuck," I mutter.

She kneels down in front of me. "I got away from that life, I swear. And I met you and everything after that was the realist thing I'd ever had. I really love video games, and I really love your pancakes, and I really, really love you."

My glare softens.

"Even if you can't cook," she says.

I give her a semi-playful, semi-annoyed shove.

"You said be honest, don't hit me!"

I stand up and pace the room nervously. This time, she sits down on the bed. I mutter under my breath, gnawing on my thumbnail, until, finally, I sit down beside her.

"Okay, deal breaker. Do you know Captain America?"

[viriyanon]

epilogue (pt. 2)

part 1 | part 2

after gathering so much energy i finally post the 2nd part. and this will be about our love fool, chief phupha viriyanon and how i learn a lot from him.

p.s this completely does have nothing to do with me being an earth stan, yes

to be honest, i dont really have anything to say about episode 10 due to my lack of experience in intense romantic affair. im not sure about the feeling of getting reciprocated so i can only enjoy phupha tian being two fools in love lmao. also, being a tomboy with 5, 6 male friends constantly surrounding me and taking different roles in my life is already enough for me so... romance is kinda my weakness.

since the beginning of this drama, i immediately felt connected more to phupha. at first, i didn’t know that their age gap was pretty far but then i learned about it and i thought, oh my that’s why. phupha is an old soul. i am also an old soul. 

everything else just followed after the realization. the way phupha behaved towards a stranger who, additionally, was a supposed rich brat that would just drain his energy, the way he acted cool and tough as to assert his dominance over a newcomer but still panicked and immediately jumped into the frigid waterfall when someone he’s responsible for was not in his line of sight. phupha who couldn’t stand injustice. phupha who gave hard times and provoked tian all the time just to test his persistence, phupha who only gave his best smile and utmost attention to someone he cared about, phupha whose heart was actually soft and vulnerable because tian was his first in everything related to love and when his trust was broken, he scrambled back to build the thick-walled tower without stopping because he feared the only thing he had in life would be taken or destroyed, phupha who couldn’t admit what his heart really wanted and needed someone to fish it out of him. phupha who was ever forgiving and wise, phupha who in fact wanted a life companion and was a hopeless romantic, phupha who wanted the best for the love of his life even if it means sacrificing his happiness and risking his own safety if necessary.

phupha who was a guardian more than a lover and an older figure.

phupha is somehow everything that i am and will be in the future, therefore, my writings are mostly about him whose characteristic was not disclosed as explicitly as tian because it is a form of reflection. and yes, i know i took phupha’s side all the time, even when people were disappointed by his impulsivity. because i understand that feelings, to the point that i so was upset watching ep 8. i thought, “this is what i will do when im faced the same thing and maybe even worse but dude, it’s not right. ur supposed to be rational.” and i was stuck in confusion.

the existence of phupha makes me realize a lot about myself. that i’ve been so cold and reticent towards my own feelings and desire. if i allow myself to give no fck about what others will say about my decision without jeopardizing them, to put what i want to do instead of what i supposed to do on top of every consideration, maybe i’d find a peace of mind. maybe, i won’t be so fearful about failure and heartbreak and dissatisfaction in life. maybe, if i say what i exactly want, i will get exactly what i want. my thought indeed materializes.

also remember when torfun said that maybe phupha hadn’t found someone he loved so much when phupha said he didn’t want to see his partner in agony because he saw his mother cried when his dad passed away. at that moment, a thought instantly flashed in my mind. ah, so it is real. when you really love someone, you will try your best to survive and not die in some random places because you don’t want to be the cause of their sadness. you can’t be the reason of their tears and agony. and it’s what phupha hadn’t achieved, as well as me. maybe a reason to live is not only about an achievement. it can be as simple as someone’s existence or someone else’s happiness. but i can’t testify this yet. just, yet.

furthermore, i learn from phupha that i need a partner who can break me out of my boring routine and the said fortress, crack a smile on my face too by acting cute. someone who gives little surprises everyday, not presents but little things like their way of thinking, their reaction towards a situation, their story. someone who will ask me repeatedly if i really want this or that. someone who is sassy and daring yet loves to be taken care of. because phupha (and i)’s no. 1 love language is acts of service and if it’s not met, he simply won’t be satisfied and will feel jittery and uncomfortable for not proving something to his partner.

never in my life, would i learn deeper about love language if it’s not because of phupha.

to conclude, yes i talked too much about phupha it’s like exposing myself to the whole atots hypemen. im annoyingly attached to him, i know. but phupha’s appearance is so groundbreaking in my whole history of watching dramas. he’s so realistic, so grounded to the facts of existence, so straightforward, and it made him skeptical. but that didn’t mean he couldn’t and wouldn’t learn to change for a better of his life. when he finally opened up to change, he found a light. his own star. someone that he would want to see every night and day indefinitely.

im not tearing up writing this but aye sarunchana singing in the background really gets me into the mood. im reminded of so many dynamics in atots, how a thai drama that i side-eyed most of the time can make me feel again. not only towards my cold love life but also my regard to life.

[rairaidango]

SEEDS THAT GROW - Tobisaku, Madasaku, Ita(masaku)

CHAPTER 2 - BEST FRIENDS

1

First chapter garnered more attention than I had expected it to ngl! But it felt nice to know ppl like wtv im trying out here. Here is chapter 2! Just a reminder I’m not a creative writer (nor do I write well at all lol). This is just fun for me and allows me to focus on something new during quarantine :) It’s pr slowburn but focuses on a lot of Sakura’s thoughts and feelings. (and her amazing friendship with Ino) 

TW : mentions of depression, anxiety, self-loathing, etc

“Yeah I’ve definitely seen you at the club before!” Itama pointed at her, mouth wide open in a boyish smile.

There was no way this Itama boy was that boy. Was there? 

Sakura’s eyes were eagle wide but she quickly shook it off with an awkward laugh. She really couldn’t be sure if it was him, but maybe it was? There really was a possibility. 

“Ah, you know maybe! I can’t recall if I have seen you on a night out though.” she tried to calm her nerves down with even more awkward laughter, but she caught Itachi’s eyes. He could see she was a little uncomfortable.

“Maybe you were like really drunk or something but I’ve definitely seen you-”

“Itama, you’ve seen everyone at the club.” Itachi rescued her. She gave Itachi a silent look of thanks. He only nodded in reply. “And you know, you talk too much man.” He slapped the Itama boy on the back.

“Was just trying to be friendly!”

“More like annoying. Why are we friends again?” Shisui tapped his finger on his chin comedically before laughing and receiving punches. 

The boys were strangers to her, with maybe the exception of Itachi, but she barely ever spoke to anyone outside of her girl group. She never allowed herself to talk to guys casually, and there was a reason for that as stupid as some people felt about it- but it made sense to her at the time and she feared getting close to people.

So this, this, this was nice. And this was a good thing, a casual conversation with friendly guys. She smiled at the thought, because she missed the times when she had close male friends. 

“Alright, everyone’s here according to the attendance list.” Madara announced whilst shuffling the papers in his hand. He pointed to the board making sure to point out the layout of the plans for tomorrow. “The introductory session is tomorrow and we’ve all assigned you to specific roles. We have a large group of eager college students who want to learn more about the wondrous world of medicine and medical practices. If you look at the board you’ll see about 5 groups, each group having 10 students. And two of you will essentially be leading each group and bring them around our campus, then the facilities in our building. This tour will all happen after the presentation that I and Izuna will prepare. Lecture hall 2 alright. You should ALL be there before students arrive. Is that clear?” 

The many student volunteers nodded. 

“Do we have to do anything before the talk?” Itama raised his hand and spoke. 

“Usher in and organise the students coming into the hall. Just make sure everything’s done in an orderly fashion. Knowing you Itama...please do this and work with Itachi.” 

Madara knew Itama? Sakura quirked her brow glancing ever so slightly at the boy with the badly done highlights. She wondered what relationship they had for Madara to speak so casually of him. 

“Will this be sent to us through email?”

“Of course, you’ll receive the plans, groups, layout and even the presentation when you leave the union. We professors aren’t stupid enough to think any of you, or one of you, could remember this stuff.” A playful smirk plastered on Madara’s face was all it took for Sakura to understand that he was probably only referring to Itama. “Alright 3.30pm tomorrow. Go home and get some rest.”

Who were they to each other?

“You know, I get why nii-san finds your uncle annoying and doesn’t like him very much.” Itama grumbled. 

“Eh well to be honest, I get your brother.” Shisui shrugged in response. “Madara likes Itachi though, because he’s a ‘prodigy’.” Itachi only smiled at the mention of his name.“He’s your professor right uh-sorry what’s your name?” 

“Ah yeah he is.” a pause. “Uh my name is Sakura. And he’s really a good teacher though.” She got up from her seat and caught sight of the mentioned professor turning off the projector. 

And then she realised he was looking right back at her with a piercing red gaze. Embarrassment rose in her and her cheeks felt hot; she looked away as quickly as she noticed his gaze and covered her face from him. 

What was that reaction?

“Sakura? I bet you hear how fitting that is.” Shisui snorted. She noticed Itachi was giving her some sort of look, but she couldn’t really figure it out. 

Ah shit, he knows. 

“Yeah, but you don’t have him constantly picking on you in class and after class and outside of university.” 

“Outside of university?” Sakura questioned. 

“Yeah, he’s just close to my family. Don’t really understand how or why.” Itama says hands stretched up in the air. 

“Don’t know why we’re close to you.” Itachi teased coolly, earning him an annoyed look from Itama. 

“Yo, anyone wants some bubble tea. Kokoro Kafe?” Shisui and Itachi grabbed their bags and headed towards the door. “I could do with some milk tea.”

“My sweet tooth and I agree. Sakura?” Sakura looked at the boys in front her. Were they really inviting her to go out and eat? Her? 

It was a good thing, they were nice people, and where was the harm in getting to know them?

But Sakura couldn't accept this.

“It’s alright, thank you though. I really do appreciate the invite. I’m just going to go back home and eat.” She smiled, eyes closed. “It was really nice meeting you three though.” She waved, and the boys all waved back and left the union. 

She sighed.

Outside, it was getting dark. The blue paint of the sky was darkening to a violet tone dashed with white specks of clouds. The yellow street lights only added to the magical transition of day to evening. It was quiet - but not eerily so, soft fading chatter of students echoed around the campus and the sounds of distant birds were sung in the air. 

Sakura breathed in, taking in the moment. She was sitting down on the cold stone steps in front of the union. She rarely ever looked at the scenery around her, but when she did, it helped her feel a little bit more at peace. It helped her feel a little bit more alive.

“Sakura?”

“Sir, you haven’t left?” a sudden bubble of anxiety exploding in her.

“I am now. Are you alright?” He asked. She wasn’t sure if he was asking just to be nice or if he genuinely was concerned. 

He probably didn’t care, he just had to ask as her teacher. Realistically speaking, why would anyone really care anyways. She was pretty burdensome and didn’t deserve to be worried about by even her closest friends. 

“Yeah, I’m fine!” She smiled, her smile feigning genuine happiness.

“Alright then.” He passed her a...cookie? “Just making sure. Get home safe, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pointed at her, his expression asking her for confirmation. She just nodded in reply with the same smile.

His figure grew smaller as he walked away and into the parking area, and her stomach felt even more uncomfortable now that she was alone. But she wanted to be alone, so she really couldn’t complain about the discomfort. 

Also, what the fuck? A cookie?

--

“I kind of wanted to ask for her number…” 

“Then you should have before we left.” Shisui sipped his Chatime drink. “But then again, maybe you scared her off with all that eagerness.” 

“I don’t think I came off too forward.” Itama stated questioningly, and looked to Itachi for an answer.

“I mean...when you mentioned the club..she did look a bit uncomfortable.” Itachi pointed out. Itama pouted slightly. “Maybe next time. You need to be able to read people better if you wanna find someone.” Shisui only laughed. All of the boys, including Itama himself, knew that it was hard for the boy to date. “Not your fault though, cheer up.”

“I was a bit nervous.” Itama said, taking a sip of his green tea latte with a nervous smile.”I’m sure I’ve seen her at Kyo, but only in passing maybe, once or twice. Pretty sure we never talked before.” he sunk into the chair. Itachi just stared at his friend’s disappointed features. “I would’ve remembered.”

“You’re so upset, awh!” Shisui teased.

“She was just really pretty, you know?”

--

In their house it was always quite lively; everyone was cooking and getting dinner ready before communing in the living room area to gossip and talk about their day. Hinata and Ino were undoubtedly the best cooks of the house, while Sakura and TenTen were often the ones buying readymade food. 

Tonight however, Sakura’s fridge was almost empty and all she could really make was some good old penne pasta with ready done tomato sauce. She wasn’t upset about the option, but it was about the fourth time in a row now that she’s had to eat pasta for dinner. 

Ino came into the living room - bouncing happily as her usually gleeful self- with an amazing katsu curry dish she had whipped up. The curry flavours lit up the whole room in salivating awe. 

“Yes, all of you can have some too. I made a lot.” She grinned with a certain kind of confidence only the Yamanakas had. Taking a seat on the floor between Sakura and Tenten, Ino dug into her delicious dish.

“Honestly I’d marry you just for your food.” Sakura hummed after taking a spoon of her curry. 

“JUST for my food?”

“Let me correct myself.” Sakura rubbed her chin in a joking manner. “Because I love you.” Sakura hugged her best friend, and everyone erupted with laughter. 

“Ino would be an annoying wife though, think about it.” Temari piped in. “All that nagging and having to do everything her way blah blah.” 

“Well, Shikamaru seems to be completely fine with Ino.” Tenten winked and gave a sly look to her long haired blonde friend. 

“Oh shut up, we aren’t a thing. We’re just hooking up here and there and we enjoy each other’s company.” 

“Well I bet 50 that they’ll end up together!” Ino shot a look at Tenten.

“Honestly I’d be happy if you guys date Pig, you’ve known each other for a while and he is actually a nice person.” Sakura thought of them dating, and she had always rooted for them to eventually end up together. Ino furrowed he brows. 

“Maybe Ino just wants to just leave it as it is?” Hinata, usually just an observer, added. “I’m happy you’re having fun though!”

“Okay enough about me guys. My love life is always a hot topic but it gets tiresome when-” Ino flipped her hair back dramatically, “-its always about me” she grinned and sat prettily. 

“Yeah oh my god Hinata how are you and Naruto!” Tenten squealed like a little 15 year old girl. Hinata blushed at the question, she was usually more reserved when talking about her personal life.

But Sakura could feel a tightness in her chest at hearing that name. 

Hinata noticed this, and smiled softly. 

“We’re doing really good. It’s been about 2 months and he’s already met my family.” Hinata made sure to keep it short for her pink haired friend. She knew there was a lot to unpack there and hadn’t expected Tenten to carelessly bring that name about. 

“Awh, you guys are honestly so cute. It makes me happy knowing that 2 of us here are having good and fun love lives.” Tenten sighed as she slid next to Temari. 

“Let’s not talk about me though!” Hinata waves her hands off nervously. “My relationship isn’t very interesting, we all know about it!” She glanced at Sakura, who was fumbling with her fork and pasta. Ino noticed it too and caught on to redirect the conversation. 

“Sakura! So, found that mystery hot makeout session boy in Kyo yet?” Ino grinned nudging her best friend.

“Ah?” Sakura woke up from a trance. 

Fuck. She didn’t like falling in and out of conversation and her thoughts like this. It was really tiring and disorienting. 

“Kyo guy!” Tenten giggled back.

“Oh you know what, maybe? I met this guy today and he said he recognised me-”

“What?! You’re only saying this now?? Bitch the fuck!!” Ino’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped to the floor. 

“What’s his name?” Temari asked amidst all the shocked faces.

“Well uh..I met 3 guys. The guy who I think could be the one I met at Kyo is Itama. Then I met Sasuke’s brother and another Uchiha. Shisui if I remember right.” Sakura remembered. They were all really friendly guys.

“Was it at that meeting today?” Ino asked.

“Yeah, Madara knows like all three of them personally. Madara’s Itachi’s uncle. And I think Madara also knows Itama’s family? Or something? Honestly I’m not sure.” It was confusing to be fair. 

“Even I’ve never met the famous Itachi…” Ino muttered. “So, Itama was it?”

“Yeah. He’s got like brown hair with silver highlights and it’s not done well I can tell you that.” Sakura scoffed. “He said he recognised me because he’s seen me in the club.”

“Ah but everyone here goes to all the clubs. Your pink hair sticks out so he probably just remembered that.” Temari waved her hand and looked at Sakura before smirking. “Was he cute though?” 

“I mean..he was actually pretty cute...in a boyish charming kinda way.” All the girls had wide smiles on their faces.

“Will Sakura finally find the one?!” Ino shrieked.

“Is this Kyo club makeout boy?!” Tenten added.

“Will Sakura go on dates again?!” Temari furthered the questioning.

“Stay tuned to find out!” Hinata closed the statements clapping her hands together. It was followed by her kind smile and all the girls laughing- the atmosphere was light and warm between them. The girls, all 5 of them, shared a strong bond. 

Sakura smiled at their jokes, but she also knew they genuinely wanted her to be happy. All of them understood how hard it was for Sakura to engage in meaningful conversations with boys; her anxiety and defenses would instantly go up if a boy approached her on campus. Which was why they were all so interested in ‘Kyo club makeout boy’ who Sakura -though very drunk and out of it -chose to instigate a hot kissing battle with. 

However happy they were for her -and she was appreciative of this, don’t mistake that - it was hard to see herself dating again. It was a scary thing to think about, even though deep down she wanted to fall in love, again. She missed being in love, and the last time she was - she was unlucky. 

--

There was a knock at Sakura’s door. 

“Just come in!” Sakura yelled from her desk spilling with notes from lectures. The door opened revealing Ino in her flowery satin nightdress. 

“Almost done?” The blonde sat on Sakura’s double bed that was messily covered in her grey covers detailed with white and pink sakura trees. Looking at Sakura - who was dressed in her oversized Neck deep tee - Ino could see she was stressed; but this was often how Sakura looked. It worried Ino.

“Yeah - I’ll get to bed soon.” Sakura muttered, completely focused on her assignment. Scribbling away, her desk lamp was bright and boring into her papers and laptop screen; her jade eyes were tired and her eyelids weighed heavy. She sighed. She wasn’t taking care of herself with all of these late nights. 

She was tired of feeling this way.

“Do you need me to stay? Ino asked. “I can’t really sleep either... I’m just feeling a little off as well.” Sakura turned to look at her, not sure what she was saying.

“Yeah..of course. What’s..wrong?” Sakura asked, turning around from her work. Ino shuffled uncomfortably and crossed her legs on the bed. Had Sakura been so caught up in her own head that she completely ignored her best friend? Was Ino hiding it well or was Sakura that selfish?

“The whole talk earlier about Shikamaru...it just made me uncomfortable.” Ino paused. Sakura had completely forgotten and internally facepalmed herself. “I don’t like him that way. And you know how I feel about relationships.” The issue here was that Ino didn’t want to settle down, and Sakura would often bring up relationships to Ino - about how Ino should get in a relationship. Sakura knew that her friend was a strong and confident person, but had taken that for advantage and pressed on Ino’s insecurities.

“Fuck I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have projected my own wants of being in a relationship onto you..” Sakura muttered, guilt strung in her words. Her head was swirling and she felt horrible. Why was she such a bad friend? People always had to support her, people always had to help her, and she couldn’t even keep her own mouth shut. Why was Sakura such a fucking shit friend- and to Ino who had been there for her every step of the way. 

“No it’s okay, I just felt weird talking about it and I know I won’t date him. I just don’t want to get into a relationship.” Sakura’s eyes were heavy with exhaustion, but her head was heavy with guilt. “Hey, honestly don’t feel too bad about it at all. I came to also just sit with you. I knew you were uncomfortable too.”

Ino could pick up on Sakura’s discomfort, and Sakura couldn’t even do the same for her friend. She didn’t deserve Ino. 

“Yeah. The whole Naruto thing kinda just made me space out.” Sakura ducked her head as she moved to sit next to her best friend. “It’s just...it hurts to think about it sometimes.”

“You know, I think if you tried to talk to him now he would be all for it. You know how much he cares about you. Heck he loves you as much as I do.” Ino’s head fell into Sakura’s neck to remind her that she wasn’t alone. 

“Maybe one day I can. When I’m better.” Sakura muttered, wanting to believe it could happen. She wanted it to, but somewhere inside, she didn’t want it to. 

“Well, when you’re feeling good, or bad, and on your best and worst days I’m here for you okay?” Ino smiled reassuringly. 

“I know.” Sakura smiled in response. “I...I also emailed welfare for a session…its in 2 days” Ino jumped up and looked at her friend. 

“You did?” Sakura nodded smiling. “I’m so proud of you! That’s a really big step! I can’t wait” Sakura was met with a loving hug and giggled in response. “I am so proud of you. I’m coming with you okay?”

“You don’t have to-”

“I am.” 

Sakura thanked Ino. That night, Ino slept on Sakura’s bed to make sure Sakura slept alright and that she would feel at ease falling asleep. Ino missed being at peace with her best friend, and she just wanted the best for Sakura. 

There were no other two best friends like those two. 

--

She doesn’t even know why she’s here at this point. Why did she volunteer to do this? 

Sakura groaned internally, her back against the wall. She was standing in the hall filled with college students, and she was lined up on the sides of the hall with other volunteers. She slept pretty late last night, but she was glad she managed to get sleep anyway. The anxiety and self-deprecating thoughts always snuck their way into her head when she wanted to find peace in slumber; but she felt like she deserved it anyways.

It was just exhausting. 

“Oh I think he’s finally about to end his speech.” Shisui spoke. 

“Finally.” Itama yawned. “We gotta gather the students and call the groups after this.” Itama looked at Sakura, expecting an answer from his group partner. She was looking at Izuna presenting, but her mind seemed elsewhere. 

“Honestly, Madara talks a lot, but Izuna can go on forever. At least Madara is able to get straight to the bush rather than beat around it.” Shisui huffed. “Don’t know how Sasuke and you dealt with uncle Izuna over summer.”

Sakura woke up. Sasuke?

Itachi noticed.

“We were fine. It wasn’t hard.” Itachi shrugged his shoulders.

“And now your tour shall start. The volunteers will bring you around campus and the facilities - they’ll call you by name so when they do please stand up and come on stage.” Izuna closed signalling a thumbs up. 

“Aight, that's our cue Sakura.” Itama nudged her with a grin. 

He had such a boyish grin, Sakura thought. 

“Lets round up the kids.” She joked, a more confident part of her showing. Itama looked at her, amused.

Gathering their group, Sakura felt a little out of place. She had to remind herself to be confident, to just go with it, and that she would be fine. A little speaking wouldn’t hurt her and she chose to do this, so she had to live up to it. 

“So here we have our main cafeteria. Conveniently close to the Student Union, so it’ll be easy to grab lunch.” Sakura walked the students through the food hall. It was large and circular shaped, and it smelled like damn good food. 

“It’ll be easy unless you’re studying art.” Itama joked. “Which none of y’all are, so it’ll be an easy quick lunch!” he winked, earning him a laugh from the younger people. Sakura smiled. This Itama boy had charm, that much she knew. “Alright so that concludes the main campus. We’ve just got the facilities left in our building.” he led the way. 

Itama was so confident, and so happy. He carried himself so well and just by the way he walked, you knew he was someone whose company people enjoyed. 

“Oh yeah we’re passing the main Law building, if any of you were interested in what’s that big old rusty building. It’s the Law building. Just one of their buildings.” Itama pointed to a very wide and stretched out red brick build. 

Laughs, and a lot of them. 

“They like you.” Sakura noted, walking by Itama’s side. She peered to see his reaction which wasn’t any less than what she expected from the boy. A toothy grin. He may be older, but sometimes she swore he was 15. 

“I’m just a likable guy haha! They like you too, you know. You speak very well.” he replied pointing backwards to their walking group of students.

“Oh no, I really don’t.” He looked at her with a really-bitch-? Face. “Alright, I guess..yeah I can speak quite well. But I’m not as confident as you.”

“What? Really? You seem really confident to me.” That earned him a sweet laugh. He suddenly felt a jump in his stomach.

“I’m not. I can be, but I doubt myself a lot.” They were close to the building entrance. “You also don’t really know me.” She pointed out, opening the doors to their building.

“Okay everyone, we’ll take you to labs first.” Itama announced to the buzzing group, before turning to Sakura. “Well then, can I get to know you?” he swung his phone out. 

--

“Did you get her number?” Shisui asked, slinging an arm around his two friends. 

Itama looked at the pink haired girl across the lecture hall.

“No, I didn’t.”

[nofliight]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

tagged by: stole it from @sternenteile​ and honestly others tbh tagging: TAKE

my muse is:  canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. [ for better or for worse, he’s THE face of kid icarus, after all. he’s a dork and funny and likeable and even if the fandom tends to get him WRONG (thanks smash bros) there’s no denying his popularity ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ i don’t??? think so??? most people are too busy talking about how they think he’s like 5 ]

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. [ EVEN THE FANDOM AIN’T GONNA MESS THIS UP. MAN FIGHTS GODS. CALL THAT WEAK. ]

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. [ make no mistake - pit’s got fans and plenty of them but he’s so MISTREATED by the fandom. his character is a lot more complex than he gets credit for and smash bros in particular is a big reason people think he’s just Big Dumb Baby Man ]

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO. [ HE’S THE MAIN CHARACTER, THE CENTRAL FIGURE UPON WHOM THE NARRATIVE IS STRUCTURED AROUND, YEAH HE’S PRETTY RELEVANT. Uprising is literally made to tell the story of a war exclusively through the perspective of a single side and Pit (and Palutena) are the EMBODIMENT of that whole side. ]

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. [ and a perfect one at that. he’s literally a perfect protagonist don’t tell me i’m wrong cause i’m not ]

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. [ pit is beloved by humans... and mocked by the Gods. seen by most as a spineless extension of palutena’s will, most “respect” of any variety goes to palutena while he gets treated as a joke 99% of the time... and it’s not like Palutena gets too much respect either ]

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. (????) [ Uhhhhhh... it’s an odd one. Short answer is that Pit’s a good samaritan who’s done a lot of good BUT most of the gods think protecting humanity is a Folly and a Joke and that Pit’s just a pawn of Palutena’s and while the humans do hold a lot of respect for him, uh............. let’s just say, some humans on the surface have reasons not to be too happy with him. ]

How strictly do you follow canon?  —  about as much as I need to to respect one of my favorite video games of all time. while kid icarus uprising is a comedic game most of the way through it has a lot more nuance and depth to itself, its world, and its characters than one can see at first glance, even after a full playthrough. if you let yourself get invested in the characters, take a closer look at the dialogue it provides, and acknowledge the central, core storytelling message of the game for what it is, there’s a lot more to pull out than one would think. that being said, it’s still a comedic video game and one that I think could use some more expansion. though the game is inconsistent there seems to be the consensus that pit is like a child and I’m not into that, mine’s a bit more showing in his cynical and snarky side after all he’s been through and overall there’s a lot of expansion on the base while building it into something unique.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  imagine your typical bootstrapped anime protagonist. someone who, when younger, was a runt who couldn’t meet the expectations of others, was looked down on, and found himself crushed and hurt and near-killed by a great tragedy that he was forced to claw his way out of to make himself stronger. Now imagine all of that with a character who comes out still able to have a very real smile and ultimately comes out of it a self-assured, chipper goofball with a good heart. now put that together with all of the darkness and depth you would have expected to be there, but scattered realistically throughout the attitude of someone who does genuinely want to keep a positive attitude. someone who is sincerely an optimist who’s grown past his weaker days, but isn’t quite so simple as he’d like to believe. all of that combined with someone who can’t read, is willing to eat ice cream off the floor in times of duress, is extremely easy to fluster and can channel his goddess’ power to slay GODS? you got one strong man.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  his positive attitude is what most people will see when speaking to him, because for what it’s worth, he’s not actively lying about his depth. he’s a cheerful, jovial man with a big smile and a love of the world around him - which is all well and good, but his depth is something you have to find, even if it is reasonably clear if you’re willing to look. he’s also portrayed as a bit unreasonably dumb at times, and though I personally justify the worst of it with proper explanations, I can understand reducing some of the value of the character in favor of seeing all of his Jokes

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  i made my original pit blog, flightlesswarrior, on a total whim after playing kid icarus uprising. cute character, fun premise, why not? but over time, and with numerous plots I was able to take part in exploring the serious, not so serious, shipping, tragedy, and going back through the game to keep my muse rolling, it occurred to me more and more with time just how nuanced and interesting pit and co. really are. pit embodies many of the things i really, truly love in a protag, falling firmly on the side of good, having a heart of genuine gold, and having nuances and parts of his personality that are less than savory without making him seem like a contradiction. he’s got depth, he’s got story, there’s a lot to explore and flesh out... and he’s also just a nice, friendly guy who gets along well with others. plus, i’m drawn to dorks.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  a) love for Kid Icarus: Uprising. a game that helped me gain a deeper and more insightful understanding of character development, subtle storytelling, optimism still tinged with legitimate and healthy cynicism, and overall something that changed my understanding of character development and storytelling forever. and b) spite. the fandom treats him like an idiot baby and smash DOES NOT help matters so i have to remind others that he is a veteran of a war, a socially inept loser with few real friends, and someone who’s kindness and optimism was shaped and molded by its hardships in a way that doesn’t require a near-breaking point or a reminder that “this guy could be evil you know” to show how someone can still keep a positive attitude in spite of all the shit life throws at him.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO [ i’d like to think i have?? but i also acknowledge that he’s become something of his Own in some ways that do intentionally diverge from sakurai’s intentions. ultimately though, even though i may not play him completely true to text, i try to be as loyal as i can be to the spirit of the character. ]

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? [ when i can!! but??? the problem is my mind really, really likes to reiterate the Same Damn Points i have to make with characters that draws me to them - and you know, writing the same hcs over and over is generally considered poor form?? ngl i also prefer to let the writing do the talking unless it’s something that’s not gonna show so 90% of the time pit’s open enough that all but the darker sides of his mind are lain out before you. ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO [ maybe??? once or tWICE???? but i need to write more ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO [ I REALLY DO, HOO MAMA. i have a lot of thoughts about him, his depth, potential relationships, goofy thoughts, more serious fanfic ideas im never gonna write and don’t get me started on how many SHIPS i have to think about for him ]

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO [ my portrayal is made out of spite for portrayals in the fandom and some supplementary material that gets him wrong - it’s kinda hard to do that without the confidence ]

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO / ??? [ it’s uhh........ complicated??? i don’t think writing is my expertise, tbh. but it is the best way i have to show the passion i have for characters, by putting their nuances into actions, by allowing them to shine from who they are their core, by exploring relationships and scenarios and struggles and hope and everything that can flesh a character out. whether or not i’m a good writer is something i’m still sorting out - but i’m proud of my ability to develop a character, and to that end i feel like i’m doing fine ]

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / SORTA. [ on one hand......... very. i have a tendency to overthink everything i do and look back at moments i made an ass of myself that keep haunting me throughout my day - they haunt me. i only have two fears: what my immediate friend group thinks of me and the crushing existential weight of worrying one day i’m gonna ruin everything i am SOFT. that being said, i’m also hardheaded and stubborn and i’m not afraid to go off on someone i don’t have much respect for if it comes down to it. i’m easy to anger when it comes down to it you know i guess that proves the point huh i’m not stonefaced at all ]

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  i try to? it’s a bit touchy for me I admit just because I do take portrayals and try to make them my own, but i am willing to listen if someone has any points they’d like to make that i haven’t acknowledged properly. if criticism IS had, lemme know, i do wanna hear it!

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —   Y  E  S

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  not that everyone who disagrees with my opinions has to explain themselves of course, but i do sincerely like the chance to learn if something i’m doing doesn’t quite feel right. even if it’s one-sided and i’ll come to disagree, i’m happy to listen! even if i don’t agree with the disagreement head-on, i like to keep them in mind and see what i can shift around to acknowledge them if necessary

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  — neutral?? i mean don’t be mean about it, but if you just think my pit doesn’t seem right or it doesn’t click right with your muse i’m not gonna throw a fit about it. everyone’s allowed to view a character in their own way - and even if i may get salty about those who oversimplify him, it IS anyone’s right to view him how they will.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  — agree to disagree tbh. i can’t pretend it wouldn’t disappoint me, but it’s not like, worth ending a friendship over or anything. everyone’s got their own viewpoints to run on

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  sure, within reason! i take pride in my grammar but i know that with my fast typing and often running on only a few hours of sleep some problems do slip in through the cracks. while i generally either catch them or just Die with them i’m all ears if i mess up

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  uhhhhhhhhhh well i’m?? kind of a socially anxious mess honestly which DOES make being easy going a bit difficult BUT i do try and be friendly and sociable as i....... can. i’m too scared to talk to people and CAN say some dumb things but i’m not a hardass or anything!! i like to talk and Yell and shitpost and pretty much do anything but write tbh DHFLKSJDF

[unproduciblesmackdown]

Im Enthusiastic But You Wouldnt Know It

man sometimes when the concept of ppl like succeeding w some Passion of theirs on whatever scale...im like man im depressed what with being depressed and not even always enjoying enjoying things. i mean like i cant even imagine being in a line of work where its what you want to do. not like the Achieving Your Dreams career is the most common experience. i dont even have dreams which is what makes it so difficult to think of working towards ur aspirations and reaching it, but tbh...that also reminds me how we shouldnt have to think of the professional career as the only way for someone to pursue fulfillment or achievement or whatever. the non-passion lines of work should be tolerable and the workday shouldnt consume ppls entire lives so that they cant have a meaningful existence outside of it w other pursuits.......

anyways the point is im kind of an enthusiastic person who likes to do things and really get into a project when its something i’m into....it is just precious few times i remember that kind of thing coming up at all. and if it’ll ever be relevant again i cant even guess how

its like how socially i actually can really love to be with a group of ppl or in noisy busy shit like concerts or other similar events...i can actually be really talkative...i like to talk and laugh and do fun shit w ppl and all but it doesnt come up much bc ive never had a large friend group and the ones i do tend to be rly scattered and its hard for me to see ppl in person ever, much less regularly. in my head im like yeah a friend group where u can all just sit around some porch or parking lot and talk about whatever and everyone likes each other...but thats never been the reality for me so im just making it up, good luck to me with that little project

anyways its kind of funny that im a fairly passionate and energetic and even in some ways outgoing person when life didn’t really allow for even me to see that for ages and ages and rn because of the fact that i’d like to die and am around nobody and such, like its not like i talk ever and i dont have it in me to do much of anything

like, it sucks i dont ever get to use the drive i can have for things b/c i know it can be fun. and frankly since the friendship ring thing isnt very realistic i also really just like to go to shit on my own and mingle w strangers and just do my own thing b/c i feel more able to be myself like that anyways, usually. just showing up and doing whatever. anyhow what im saying is i know what it feels like to enjoy the fact im enthusiastic about things and way more often than not, including now, i dont get to use that

idk what i’d be all that enthusiastic being involved in now. idk. but itd be nice if i felt like i had the chance to find out. and even tho its absurd to decide ppl should know Their Dreams and Passions like by the time theyre in high school, itdve been nice to feel like i could explore my interests and be myself freely and safely, like, ever back in those earlier times. i DID draw back then, which is what gave me a leg up to be drawing more later, but even now drawing itself isnt really my interest or anything i have any goals around

its annoying bc theres no reason then or now for me not to be able to be the way i enjoy being or enjoy things in general, such as existing....like it makes me angry actually that theres something so unnecessary as me having to have all these days i dont want to be alive or continue being alive, and how unnecessary it was all the years i couldnt Be Myself or try things freely or figure out what i liked or wanted to do

and like i also know i can do shit if im in a situation where i actually can. not like thats the only reason i should be able to not be miserable, is if i think it could be useful enough for other people. and like i dont think im special, its shit coz im absolutely not and theres a crap ton of ppl who also dont have a Personal Passion element in their lives b/c its all a matter of situation and opportunity and resources and all that stuff...it sucks i guess the end

[indd40041020202021]

Mid term presentations

In some ways I wish that I could drop this grad project and just read and write about other design projects instead. I’m taking a few classes to complete my curatorial minor degree this semester and it’s really invigorated my love for writing and my opinion that design needs more critical writing and archiving (something that I love to do).  Anyway, that is what has been going through my head, as well as the pressing weight of the past year and it’s slow and arduous continuance into this one. Needless to say it has been really hard to pull some kind of positive motivation out of myself to get this work done.  For the mid-term presentation, I felt like I hadn’t really done that much work, at least comparatively to my normal pace. I dropped a class to focus more on core, but I think it has taken up to this week for me to really gain traction again in thinking about what this project is. 

one thing I’ve been aware of is the complex ideas I’m proposing with my project, and the difficulty in explaining what I’m trying to do. I’ve learned a lot in my current writing class about an audience and tempering your work for readability, and this has inspired me to instead show what I’m trying to do through story. 

As Sophie and I spoke a few days before the presentation, I felt that my point maybe was too convoluted in description, and felt that I couldn’t say all that I wanted to say about what I was trying to do. As well, I felt that through explaining my work, contradictions arose that didn’t feel true to my project either. I needed to succinctly get these ideas and points of entry down in a way that brings people into an understanding where I don’t have to explain the point, because I’m not doing a good job if I have to supplement the meaning.

I was originally thinking about a counterfactual involving the boom of plastic in the 50′s, as this was a catalyst to mass manufacturing once injection molds and mass replication was possible. Sophie said that maybe it was too obvious to choose plastic as the villain.  I also talked about my leech - a species that is currently extinct but unknown (like a Schrödinger's species, maybe it existed, maybe it didn't) and that I was thinking about it being used for blood testing in humans, as we would have to feed it our blood to get results, a kind of symbiosis. Sophie asked why it would be a tool for humans when we could biohack ourselves, and whether that would be something I would look into. 

This project is about decentering the human, and I felt that directing any kind of spotlight back to human achievement would be detrimental to the intended meaning of the work. Although, I always find myself coming back to these reflexive loops of “not about the human but Im human and writing it”, it feels like a bit of puppetry, but I don’t know if that can be avoided in these nature futures scenarios. 

I rethought plastic as a catalyst too, and after reading Against Performative Positivity by Dana Abdullah during my reading group, I was reminded of the politics of efficiency, and felt a renewed connection to it’s criticisms, especially related to how I’ve been feeling the past few months. While I knew about Taylorism, I did a bit more of a dive into his work and found that models of efficiency was a much better catalyst than plastic, as plastic in the 50′s already had the inertia of Taylor and Ford pulling it forward.  So I sat down and wrote a story for my presentation and supplemented it with both guiding reference photos and photos of some of the process that I’ve been going through. The following is my script and photos with annotations of what I was intending for each section of the story.

____

A Technological History of the 20th Century 

[If I gave myself more editing time, I would’ve specified ‘20th Century in the West”]

In the late 1900’s, as the Industrial Revolution began to gain traction in the West, Fredrick Taylor published a text called The Principles of Scientific Management. This work, encouraging factories to go further in their exploitation of workers by valuing efficiency systems over living beings, enraged the general public and incited the Factory Riots of 1911. Lead by the “Imagination Effort” and supported by the Luddites, the Factory Riots destroyed many major factories, including Ford and General Motors, who were both car manufacturers at the time. 

[In reading the first few pages of the Principles of Scientific Management, it’s incredible to see that Taylor’s efficiency models were actually in hopes of a less wasteful manufacturing, not only in manpower but of finite resources. He quotes Theodore Roosevelt on conserving nature and talks about our water and forests vanishing. He then goes on to say that the most wasteful resource of all is man power, and talks about how idle thought and reliance on memory are detrimental. I found this really interesting, as it seems to be in good faith for a better world, but is really taking power away from man, our abilities to memorize and the value of imagination. For this reason, I imagined a protest group of people who also read between the lines here and called themselves “the Imagination Effort” in reference to his quote about the wastefulness in ‘efforts of the imagination”. I wanted to incite an event that would be detrimental to the way manufacturing historically succeeded, so I thought of taking down Ford and GM as two huge factories at the time, even making reference to a general public in this other world not knowing who they are (”who were both car manufacturers at the time”)]

The Factory Riots changed the way the West developed. Former President Theodore Roosevelt later applauded the work of the Imagination Effort for their advanced theories on conservation through thoughtful consideration of other beings. 

[Something I wanted to try was using old photographs and repurposing them in another world. Many of the comics around Theodore Roosevelt’s conservation efforts were in jest, but what if these were representations of people actually appreciating his respect for nature. I imagined that a political figure supporting a cause would bolster the effect of such cause, and be more realistic in their continued influence on world events (similar to the JFK/MLK alliance during Civil Rights protests in the 60s)]  

Throughout the 20th century, science shifted from the pursuit of knowledge of, towards the understanding of knowing with. Forestry and Oil industries began to downturn as cellulose bioplastics and bio-fuel began to boom in the 1950’s. This integration and new respect of nature and technology lead to locating many new species previously on the brink of extinction due to past industrial concepts.

[I wanted to show that I have been making some things - I was able to get this algae grow set-up working and bubbling away on my desk. Do I know what I’m going to do with the Algae yet? no. Does it look futuristic with purple lights? yes. In all seriousness, I am trying to get to a thinking through making mode that I often push aside and thought that by creating this algae set up and watching it grow, that I might be able to access some meaningful reflections on algae and all of its superpowers (bioplastics and bio-fuel being an example). I also thought of it as a potential air purification device, as algae is an incredible carbon capture capacity, higher than trees in general. I also wanted to be careful of my wording and to avoid words like ‘discover’ regarding the finding of other species.]

As part of a connection trek in Ontario’s Boreal Forest, scientists met the Photuris Hirudinea, the Firefly Leech. Both an omnivore and an amphibian, the Firefly Leech has an incredible ability to identify and communicate complex chemical chains in hemoglobin samples through bio luminescent markings, and has taught humans how to read other species emotional states with more nuance. 

[The leech is something I want to stick with so that I can: revision and elevate the leech, open conversations about what has been lost through natural destruction, the power and abilities of other species, and because I want to make something physical and believable - and I think I can do so with some 3D modelling, silicone molding, and basic electronics. I imagine this to be swimming - actually swimming - through an aquarium tank during the exhibition. The name, photuris hirudinea, I was wondering whether I should include latin naming as this world is about breaking down hierarchies, including taxonomical ones, but I thought I would leave it as I believe that some human tendencies or leftover patterns would remain. I chose ‘photuris’ for the Firefly, as they are one of the only land species that use bioluminescence and I wanted the leech to be amphibious ,and hirudinea refers to the leech. I think it brings a bit of believability to this other-world species to have it rooted in real species. I wanted to state that it is an omnivore as well, because both plants and animals carry hemoglobin, and I thought that this was a good way of talking about it’s chemical abilities not only for human use but for other species as well. Finally, because I have the license of another world, I moved away from ‘health data’ to emotional data, something that is unvalued in our world, and something that Taylor explicitly called ‘wasteful’ in his writing. I also think that science valuing both empirical and theoretical data, quantitative and qualitative research, phenomenon and nomenon, was something I wanted to infer.]

In the 1980’s, Michael Strano developed nanobionics, and the interweave was born. Through non-invasive pre-sensing, developed with aid from the Firefly Leech, Strano was given permission by the Giant Kelp species to rewire their mRNA structure, allowing internal tRNA transfers to be visualized on the kelp’s surface, and for information transfer between kelp leaves on touch. This created a network that allowed other species to input, transfer, and communicate information, due to the Giant Kelp’s generosity. 

[I focused heavily on word choice in this section. Dr Michael Strano really is the person who helped developed nanobionics, but I took the doctor from his name as academic achievements and social stature may be separate in this world. I had been playing around with the idea of printing a circuit board onto seaweed. What would it mean if we had a natural backing for something that we base most of our technology on? What if a circuit board wasn’t rigid? What if this was floating through the sea, oxidizing and naturally going back to the Earth? What if it was grown into the kelp, genetically implanted with their permission? Could the firefly leech help us communicate what other species wishes and boundaries are? I wanted the language to remove the dissecting power of the ‘scientific’ human into more of a conversation and mutual agreement between species. Stating that the kelp is giving permission for us to alter it, while leaving out exactly how that happened, I think it is a way to turn these ideas of hierarchies on their head. I imagine someone outside of design thinking this is absurd, but on the off-chance that it makes someone think outside of themselves, I think it’s important. I want to run down my reasoning with my friend Rylee, but mRNA, the messenger RNA, is a single chain, meaning that it can attach to another through tRNA, the transfer RNA. This is way over my head if you asked me specifics on it, but in theory I think it’s close to something imaginable, especially with what they are called (messenger and transfer, similar to internet terms anyways). I also wanted to change the internet to the interweave, as net invokes ideas of capturing, whereas weave invokes ideas of support.]

Through advances in bacterial memory storage, the Interweave of the kelp forest expanded in it’s knowing and expanded it’s form - seen in giant kelp clouds that are easily seen from shorelines all over the world. 

[Bacteria holding memory is a real thing, and I was wondering what that would mean if we had known about it earlier (if we had appreciated other species earlier). I think there’s something really compelling about living memory storage. I also thought about the agency of other species, if the interweave allowed other species to interact in their own ways, I assume there would be some information transfer between other species, and maybe some learning. Could kelp gain the understanding to have floating clouds networking above the water too? I think this is the most far out idea of the group but I wanted to show some preposterous ideas for ideas’ sake. Imagination is a big part of this project, and I think a lot of people are afraid to use their imaginations for fear of looking stupid, but I think it’s one of our greatest abilities!]

As nature and technology continued to grow together, human involvement in it’s developments became extraneous. Communication has become increasingly nuanced, beyond the early 20th century notions of speech and body language. Knowing between species has evolved, and contributes to other-than-human species developing many of the technologies that we interact with today. 

[I wanted to show current day symbiotic relationships in this slide: clownfish and anemone, algae and lichen, trees and fungi, and of course, my monitor lizard engineer. I like the idea of proposing that these species connect without us, without our intervention, and that there are so many other dimensions of communicating between species that we do not pay attention to. I didn’t go into specifics about current day technology in this world because I didn’t have any in mind while writing - but I wanted to allude to the idea that many other technologies made by humans and some made without humans exist in this world.]

While we can appreciate other species and how they have helped support us through the years, we can only imagine what may have been if the Imagination Effort had not risen up in defense of our earthbound kin way back in the Factory Riots of 1911. 

[With what I currently have, this is how I am imagining the gallery set-up - an aquarium with the leech swimming around, with a didactic stating that the aquarium is just for show and that they live freely in the wild. I also thought that I could create a simulation of a kelp interweave branch, simulating connections through lights. I didn’t include the algae because I’m not quite sure what it means yet.]

--------

presentation feedback:

I’m happy with the feedback overall, I think the story aspect really helped people understand the point of my project, which has been my biggest hurdle in the past and going into this presentation. Donnie brought up a good point about what it would mean to have these future moments happen now or present day. I find it quite a bit harder to actually imagine from the point that we’re at now, I’m not sure why but it almost feels more... practical in a sense, I would want to avoid inventing something that becomes an actual usable artifact, like Auger’s Tooth Implant, where it was meant as a critical piece of work but was considered seriously by the public. 

Here are some of my miro responses:

“Love it.  Seems kind of speculative evolution-y.  See Dougal Dixon “

I think speculative evolution is definitely similar. I looked up Dougal Dixon and recognized his work from Speculative Dreaming. I really love how he was able to create these worlds as dunne and raby say, through tempering speculation, even though he’s talking about 50 million years in the future. I think the issue with it is that 50 million years in the future is so far forward that I have a hard time caring about something that far forward. 100, 200, 300 years I can understand, that is something that I could see through a genealogical sense and understand, but 50million years is unreachable in understanding what that frame of time actually means. I think while Dixon is talking about the scientific evolution over time, I am talking about species that already exist in this time that we just don’t know about or have already extinguished. 

“ whimsical and unique, I look forward to seeing more! “ Thanks!

“ so effective and well composed - the narration + the performative... I am so taken with the compelling affect of active story telling. AR?”

I’m glad this came across as I wrote this story the day before the presentation, haha. I want to avoid AR - I focused so heavily in VR last semester and found that the learning curve was taking away from my actualization time - that my fidelity level would not catch up in time for the show. I do appreciate AR and VR though, but I was fully immersed in it last semester and it’s just not right for this project at this time with this deadline. 

“ I imagine your final project book laid out as a mock history textbook “ I actually really want to print a book for this project. A cumulation of writing about process and planning in the first half, and the story and final work in the second half. It would be more of a monograph and not part of the exhibition itself, I just want something really nice that I can shop around after I graduate and when I’m applying to my masters. 

“ @Lauren will you still be doing another workshop around this new counterfactual world? Maybe a writing workshop? I would love to write a story around this as a workshop! It's such a fun idea “

I love this idea - I did receive a grant last semester that I haven’t used yet. Maybe I can do a workshop where I send out a prompt through the mail and ask people to write a story around where they think it came from? I don’t know, and I don't want it to seem ad-hoc - But I have this money and I would love to spend it somewhere. I don’t know really! “ I love how you brought nature into design, especially in. an urban setting. I am excited to see what comes next! “

I’m not sure if I understand what they meant by urban setting, but Im happy they enjoyed it. 

“ I researched "Monsanto" company which is a huge seeds company having 30% market share in the US. One of their experiments was combining the fish’s gene and some veggies... When you talked about bio technical history, it came up in my mind. I think something that related to our life directly but hidden science facts would be good to see in the exhibition as well. “

I like this comment because I was not thinking about Monsanto in any way, but I’m glad it came up. Monsanto is a great example of when species’ agency is not considered, and these genetic experiments are purely for profit and are usually detrimental to both people and the environment. Is there good genetic hacking? I’m attending a bioart talk next week, maybe they will be talking about this - but I’m really happy that the story made them think of something else in our current world. That is the intent of this work is to relate to now and talk about these issues and why they are issues. 

“ Lauren! Your project brings me so much joy! Your story telling and creativity is amazing and I love how it brings these ideas of nature and humans coexisting in a way that it currently does not. “

This was really nice, thank you!

_____________

Overall I’m happy with the response - was hoping for a bit more constructive feedback. 

I’m going to talk to Bobbi in the WIP lab next week to talk about how to make the leech happen, and am feeling that maybe the leech is enough of an anchor to base my world around - maybe. 

Anyway, I’m going to take a break from school for a little bit this week to try and reset and drag some motivation from inside myself for the last few weeks of my degree.

[survivingthejungle]

never fade away, part iv

-i cant tell y'all how much research ive done to write this realistically like im really educating myself here -also i made a playlist fr this hmu if u wanna listen to it -also im writing this while im home alone in my room happy new year lmfao

You had officially been a missing person for 8 days according to the GCPD. Within those days, you had been with nobody but Jerome almost exclusively. You were kept locked in his room all day and all night, and the only time you were ever allowed out was if Barbara and Tabitha decided they wanted to spend time with you. They were nice enough, for a couple of psychopaths, but they still made you tense up when they got near to you.

The same went for Jerome. He was dead set on making you dependent on him. Constantly telling someone that you were all they had and that no one would ever care about them except for you was a pretty well known abuse tactic. So was telling someone that you would do something harmful or irrational if they left you. And with you being 15 and not having a fully developed brain, and being hormonally unstable at this age, he was probably planning to keep up with these tactics until he had brainwashed you into believing it.

All you could hope to do was remind yourself constantly that he was lying. After all, in abusive relationships, it starts out small, and by the time it’s escalated to full blow abuse, the guilty party has already convinced their victim that when they are being told is true. You, on the other hand, had been snatched off the streets and had this all thrown in your face. If the abuse started off at it’s worst, there was no way he’d ever convince you to believe him, right?

Realistcially, you knew that as long as you remained strong-willed, he wouldn’t be able to get to you. All you could do was pray that you could manage to convince him that he had control over you while simultaneously remaining yourself.

Yesterday he came back to your shared room in the afternoon, after a morning of terrorizing the streets of Gotham. Your back was facing him. You sat on the cool tile floor of the bedroom, right in front of the glass window, starting out at the city. “Hey there,” he said, and you didn’t even have to look at him to know he was grinning. You could hear it in his tone. It amazed you that a person could smile that much, insane or not.

“Hi,” you responded, still not moving away from the window. You couldn’t help it, you missed freedom and being outside, no matter how bleak and dreary the city was. Anything was better than being stuck in one room with an escaped asylum inmate who was dead-set on having you for himself.

“(y/n), babe,” he said, sitting down on the floor next to you. His face was a little more serious now and he put an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer to him. “Y'gotta stop starin’ out windows all day. It’s not good for your head.” He tapped your forehead with his free hand.

“Sorry.” You were still having to remind yourself to not fight back at him. “I’ll stop.”

He smiled. “Y'know, if you keep being good, Theo might let ya go to that gala that's in like...2 days. Yeah, me n’ Babs are gonna put on a show, do a little magic, kill a few people…” Your heart started racing. You were fully aware that he was a terrible person and had kind of figured out by now that he had killed people before, but the fact that he was able to imply it so nonchalantly was unsettling to you. “‘Course, ’m not sure if I want you to see all that. You’re too pure for that sorta stuff… Hey, if I let you go out, you won’t try anything, right?“

"No. I won’t.” Lie. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind you would try to escape if you were given the chance. But he didn’t know that.

He smiled again. “Good! And why is that?” It was like he was… quizzing you, or something. In a way, you guessed he kind of was. After all, he had been trying to brainwash you into being completely dependent on him, and you were going to do and say whatever you had to to convince him it was working.

“Because you’re all I have. And… you would find me anyway… and if I tried to leave... someone might get hurt.”

"Exactly, baby girl. 'M glad we're on the same page." Suddenly he straightened his posture and became more alert. "Ooh!" He pointed his finger in the air. "Reminds me. You're famous!" He stood up and grabbed your hand so that you would follow him. He grabbed a newspaper off a dresser by the door. You both sat down on the end of the bed as he handed you the paper. "Look!" He pointed to the second page and then rested his chin in the palm of his hand, staring at you. You looked at the paper and your eyes were almost immediately drawn to a picture of... you?

It was a picture taken by one of your friends from school. You were grateful that at least it wasn't a yearbook picture. The caption above read: MISSING PERSON: Have You Seen This Girl? in big, bold letters. The caption below was just your name, age, and the number to contact the police department. "Oh," was the only word you could think to utter.

"Yeah," he said, "'M gonna have to talk to them about that. You aren't missing!"

What? "I'm not?"

He scoffed. "'Course not! You're exactly where you're supposed to be. With me."

"Oh. Right."

He took the paper and set it down on the bed, standing up and taking you with him. All he did then was hold you close. One arm was around your shoulders, causing you to be pressed up against his chest. The other was running his fingers through your hair. Your heart was racing, and at the same time you felt calm. It was weird and made you want to crawl out of your skin. He rocked the both of you side to side. "I can't wait to show you off later. You'll look so pretty, you'll steal the show."

Just play along, you reminded yourself. "I'm looking forward to it." To getting away from you, creep, you thought.

"Good." He sighed. "Babs is gonna wanna dress you up. But we can wait till tomorrow, right?"

"Right." You were monotone, but inwardly you felt giddy as ever. Two days until you would escape. You would do everything you could to see him behind bars after that. People who kidnapped fifteen year old girls because they were weirdly obsessed with them deserved to be locked into a padded room for a rest of their lives.

But while you occupied your time daydreaming of your freedom, you couldn't help but feel like your life would never be the same once you escaped. Of course it won't be, you told yourself, people who get taken by crazy boys who try to brainwash them are never the same afterward. But you would be damned if you let the experience control your life once you were free.

YAAAAAAAA YEET! 'tisn't over yet......... of course.......... i am very tired and feel weird and so if this chapter is dumb it's because i don't feel like myslef rn,,,,,,,,,, very weird........,,,,,,,,, PLEASE for the loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee let me know if u like it, i am workin on other stuff atm too i swEAR i haven't forgotten abt those other request im just busy and tired a lot anyway YEAH here u go hope u enjoy :-)

[themoneybuff-blog]

Strategies for Translating Long Term Financial Goals into Immediate Actions and Habits

Last week, I discussed how important it was to establish long term financial goals and then translate them into immediate actions and habits as a way of avoiding lifestyle inflation. In truth, having good long term goals that connect to immediate actions and habits is just a good all-around financial strategy, and it also happens to work well for almost any significant life change you want to make. Today, I want to delve into how I do this very thing, using financial goals as a clear example. This is more or less what I did during our financial turnaround, but Ive done it since with other life goals (starting a small business, fixing relationships, etc.) and refined the process a little. Clearly Establishing the Big Goal The first step in the process is to clearly figure out where you want to go. What is it in your life that you most want to change permanently? For me, personally, my first major big financial goal was simply to get free from debt. I had reached a financial low point and I knew that something had to change. We were simply drowning in consumer debt to the point where it was difficult to keep all of the bills paid rent, child care, car payments, student loan payments, credit card payments, utilities it went on and on and on, and it was suffocating us. I needed to get rid of some of those bills and I recognized that the best path forward was debt freedom, ideally including owning our own home. That goal took roughly five and a half years to achieve. Our current big financial goal is financial independence. By that, I mean that I want to reach a point where Sarah and I no longer have to work for an income in order to make ends meet and cover our living expenses for the rest of our life, allowing us both to effectively retire. For us, retirement means just taking on some different challenges without the need to worry about earning an income. We established this goal several years ago and were somewhere in the middle of that path; honestly, wed probably be close to it if it werent for the fact that we have three children. Let me be clear: I think that a very specifically stated long term goal is a bad idea. You do want to get specific for short term goals, but with long term goals, a broad initiative is actually better because it is very likely that your life will change between now and any sort of true goal completion. So, your first step is just to figure out your big financial goal. Where do you want to be financially in ten or twenty years if things go well and you put some real effort into it? Do you want to be free from debt? Do you want to have a great job near the pinnacle of your profession? Do you want to be financially independent and not have to work for a living? Whatever resonates with you, choose that as your long term goal. When you have that long term goal set, think about it every day. Seriously. Sketch out in detail what kind of impact it will have on your life. Youll have less stress. You wont have bills breathing down your neck. Youll have a ton of opportunities. Youll have more free time. Youll have more control over your future. Emergencies wont derail everything. Imagine that future in detail and how good it will feel. Visualize a day in your life when all of that is true. Do this every day. Do this type of visualization at least once a day, if not more often. Keep reminding yourself of what it is youre working for, and make it as personal as you can. Break Down that Big Vision You have this big goal for yourself. At some point in the future, you want to be debt free. You want to be financially independent. Its something you truly want for yourself. At this point, its all about breaking down that vision into more manageable and more specific goals. What I do at this point is start asking myself a series of questions. First, what can I do this year to make that big vision a little closer to reality? Maybe I could pay off that big credit card bill this year. If I did that, Id not only get a giant monthly bill off my back, Id also have more breathing room for emergencies and more resources to start plowing through other debts. Or, maybe, I could try to save 25% of my income for retirement or 30% or 40%. Pick a big somewhat frightening number, one that leaves you doubtful as to whether you could pull it off. If you did that, youd be well on the road to financial independence. Someone who is saving 30% of their income per year can reach financial independence in 15-20 years because not only are they saving a lot, theyre also learning how to live on 70% of their income, meaning that the total amount they need to save isnt as big as they think. Its at this level that a SMART goal starts to become important. Its not really that important beyond the full year level because, as I noted above, life changes so much over the course of multiple years that its hard to map out a highly detailed goal). As Ive mentioned before, a SMART goal is one that is specific, measurable, actionable, realistic, and time-bound. By looking at a year long goal, you already have the time bound, so lets make sure the other parts are covered. Specific means that its very clear what it is that you need to do for success. What is it your doing? Why is it important? Who does it affect? Measurable means that it is very clear whether youve achieved success or not. Usually, this means that its related to either achieving a specific number or its a yes/no thing where you either pulled it off or you didnt. Actionable means that it clearly relates to actions you can take every day. This is extremely important, and well come back to it. Realistic means that you can pull it off without having to rely on others success and failure are really up to you and theyre within the realm of human possibility. Your year-long goal should nail all of those elements. So, for example, Over the next twelve months, Ill pay off my Citibank credit card, is a pretty good goal. Its specific very clear what youre going to do and measurable its obvious what success is and actionable its pretty obvious what kind of actions you need to take and realistic you can likely pull this off on your own and time-bound youre doing it this year. In a given year, I usually have three to five year long goals that are much like the one above, but its really fine to just have one goal thats the center of your focus. The Small Bits Once you have this year-long goal in place, you need to break it down into progressively smaller pieces until those pieces amount to one of two things: theyre either a specific action you can do today or a specific habit youre trying to establish in your life right now. This requires a lot of thinking and consideration. The single best tool Ive found for this process of taking a year-long SMART goal and breaking it down into todays specific actions and new habits is the Momentum Planner. It is really, really, really good at handling this kind of breakdown. Ive been using it for the past two years, not as my main planner, but as a tool each morning to reflect on what I need to do today to keep moving forward on my big goals. Im going to talk about how I move through this process of breaking down a year-long goal, but the Momentum Planner really helps guide this process, step by step, for me. I sit down with it each morning when Im doing this. Basically, what I try to do is break my annual goal down into quarterly goals, then those into monthly goals, then those into weekly goals, then those into daily goals. Some of those daily goals are actually just reminders to stick to a new habit, while other ones are specific actions. Lets walk through this using paying off a big Citibank card as an example. Lets say the current balance on that card is $10,000 and you want to pay it off this year. So, what do you need to do to pay it off? Youll want to start off doing a bit of homework, of course, but the usual strategy is to avoid adding to the balance while making the biggest possible payments you can toward the card. Given that the balance is about $10,000, if you can make $1,000 in payments each month for the year, you should pay it off assuming that you dont add to the balance. What can you do this quarter to make that happen? First, you need to establish a strong habit of not putting any additional charges on that card. Second, you need to change your spending habits such that you can come up with the $1,000 you need each month for that card. The first quarter is going to really be about discovering those techniques, whereas the other quarters are going to be about sticking with the process. What can you do during the first month of the quarter to make that happen? Simple. Dont use your Citibank card or any credit card, for that matter. This is going to likely involve some changes to your non-essential spending. Youre also going to need to figure out how to come up with $1,000 by the end of the month, either by cutting spending or by selling off items to help. What can you do during the first week of that month to make this happen? I find that weeklong periods are good for picking out a handful of tasks to complete. Obviously, youre avoiding using that Citibank card, but youre also going to want to try out a bunch of frugal strategies. Perhaps this week you can try not eating out at all and maybe you can cut the cable cord and find a new cell phone provider. What can you do today to make those first week initiatives happen? Keep up with that habit and pick one of those tasks to either complete or partially complete. Maybe today youll call up the cable company and cancel your cable package thats a very good task, since youll be on the phone for a while. Figuring Out Todays Actions For me, this is where a Momentum Planner comes in handy. At the start of each day, I sit down with that Momentum Planner and figure out exactly what I want to achieve today with each of my ongoing big life goals. Most days, Im simply looking at my week-long goals and thinking about which ones I can tackle today and which habits I need to stick with. For example, my big ongoing financial goal is to achieve financial independence and I decided that, for this quarter, Im not spending any money on a few of my hobbies that I felt like I spent too much on last year. So, for today, one habit Im focusing on is not spending any money regarding that habit. I simply remind myself of that habit, and thats enough. I also have a task for today I want to follow up with my energy company about some potential credits for our bill for some energy improvements that I think we qualify for. This is an important but not urgent financial task which I usually think of as being under the larger umbrella of my big financial independence life goal. At the end of the day, I use an idea that I got from Marshall Goldsmiths wonderful book Triggers and I simply ask myself Did I do my best today to not spend money on those hobbies or even tempt myself into doing so? I actually score myself on this, with a score between 0 and 10, and I keep track of it in another notebook. I usually have several habits Im scoring at the same time and I do them as a bundle. At the end of any larger period basically, once a week I spend some time reviewing the past week and seeing how I did on completing those actions and maintaining those habits, and then I figure out what my tasks are for the next week. I usually come up with a handful and I dole them out slowly throughout the week. If the coming week includes the end of a month or a quarter, I spend some extra time reviewing my monthly goals and/or my quarterly goals and establish new ones for the coming month and quarter, as described earlier. I go back to the level above that period and see what my goals are, then think about what I can do to keep that momentum moving forward. One thing I find very useful for me is to have minimum action tasks (at least thats what I call them). For example, lets say I want to get in better shape. Rather than writing in something like a huge workout, something I might not be able to find time for or motivate myself to do, Ill write down something like stretch for one minute and then do one of each bodyweight exercise. This is often a daily goal for me. I have a series of eight bodyweight exercises (think calisthenics, like push-ups and planks) that I try to do each day, but rather than setting a big threshold for success, I consider success being just doing each one once and stretching for just one minute. That means to keep my momentum going, I really dont have to do much at all, but I find that when I start doing it, I inherently want to do more than that. Ill sit down to stretch for a minute and find that I want to stretch for five or ten minutes. Ill go down to do a pushup and Ill then decide that I want to do more than that and I do several. Ill do a squat and decide that I want to do more than that and I do a whole bunch. You might have a minimum action task that involves something like read one page in a book or review one bill or sell one item on eBay, but once you do that one thing, youll often feel compelled to do more than that. One thing Ive found that is really helpful for me is that I write those daily goals and habits on a whiteboard, along with the big goal I want to achieve. Ive started doing this on a whiteboard next to my desk so that I see it all the time. It might say something like: I want to be financially independent, so today I will: not spend any hobby money (H) call the energy company about credits I want to be in better physical shape, so today I will: eat a small breakfast and a small lunch (H) stretch for one minute and do one of each bodyweight exercise (H) I want to be well read, so today I will: read one page of the Montaigne book (H) read one article in Pocket Those are literally copied off of my whiteboard today, and those things were copied out of my Momentum Planner earlier this morning. The process of writing them down makes them feel much more real and important and front-of-mind and having them visually present all the time is a great reminder. (The (H) signifier means its a habit and I try to score myself on each habit, as noted above.) Doesnt This Take a Lot of Time? First of all, it doesnt. On a typical day, my morning review takes a few minutes and my evening review takes maybe two more. I find that by simply having a few clear-cut goals during the day that are tied to what I want out of life, I tend to work more efficiently, so that time is usually just time where I would have watched a television program or looked at my phone. I tend to do a weekly review on Sunday morning when everyone else is asleep. It takes a little longer, especially when Im considering monthly or quarterly goals, but, again, its usually just time that I would have spent on something relatively unimportant. On the other hand, having specific things to do each day that are clearly tied to the long term things I want out of life is incredibly empowering. I love being able to look at my to-do list or that whiteboard and know that some of the things I have to do today are all about moving my life toward the big things I want out of life. It makes every day feel like a genuine step in a journey toward where I want to be in life. It contributes a strong sense of meaning to my to-do list that isnt there with the ordinary tasks of the day. The thing is, you can do all of this with pretty much any financial goal or any goal of any kind you can imagine. It just takes some time and thought about how to tweak that goal into something meaningful, break it down into smaller bits, and turn it into something thats actionable today (or at least ties into a habit you can practice today). Im not guaranteeing that this system will work for you, but I am saying that this system works well for me. Good luck! https://www.thesimpledollar.com/strategies-for-translating-long-term-financial-goals-into-immediate-actions-and-habits/

[oovitus]

Weekend Reading, 6.24.18

A friend of mine told me that he recently went to a conference where all of the attendees seemed to be talking about perfectionism, in spite of that fact that it wasn’t the conference theme. They were discussing it as people who had been susceptible to impossible standards in the past, but now counted themselves lucky to have let perfectionism go.

As we were talking, it occurred to me that I haven’t thought about perfectionism in a long time, though it had a hold on me for years. Even after I stopped trying to do everything “right,” perfectionism (and to some extent, being “Type A”) was a big part of my identity. I called myself a “recovering perfectionist,” which was truthful, but in retrospect I think it was also my way of continuing to identify with perfectionism and communicate it to others. I didn’t want to be subject to oppressive standards anymore, but I hadn’t yet figured out who I was without them.

In the end, perfectionism exited my life out of necessity; I untangled from it because I didn’t have a choice. Living with bouts of depression and anxiety in the last few years has meant letting go of a lot of my self-imposed notions of what constitutes productivity, success, or a day well spent.

A common experience of depression, I think, is that small, routine asks can suddenly seem insurmountable: doing laundry, cleaning up, running errands. This would have sounded unbelievable to me at one point in my life, when these kinds of to-dos were just afterthoughts, but now I know what it’s like to struggle with the everyday.

I’m thinking back to an afternoon two summers ago that illustrates this perfectly: my anxiety had been particularly bad, and I’d been paralyzed by procrastination all day. By dinnertime I was genuinely proud of myself for having gotten out of the house to pick up groceries and mail a package. This was a radically different measure of productivity than I was used to, and it didn’t matter: I was relieved to have done something, anything.

I’m in a different place now, capable of fuller days, but my perspective remains valuably altered by that experience. I don’t wake up with a fixed agenda anymore. I don’t plan on doing more than I know I can handle. If I notice that tasks remain undone everyday on my modest to-do list, I take it as a sign that I need to plan on doing less, rather than wondering why I can’t do more.

I’ve learned that my capacity for doing and my tendency to get overwhelmed ebb and flow. Sometimes they shift for reasons that I can identify, like how I’m feeling physically or whether something has made me anxious. Sometimes they change suddenly and for no apparent reason. I don’t try to bully myself out of feeling overwhelmed; rather, I ask what would make me feel calmer and more steady.

I often remind myself of a mantra that my friend Maria gave herself when her MS symptoms started keeping her from the pace and routines that had become customary: “better than before.” The origin of this mantra was an ongoing struggle to keep tidy the home she shared with her young son. As Maria’s “functional self” receded, she noticed the presence of another self, who “though less physically versatile, was stronger than I ever could have imagined from the perspective of the one who functioned’ throughout the day. She began to show me things my functional self simply missed.”

One of those things, she goes on to say,

was to be able to notice when I was completely out of energy to exert myself. This might be when something was halfway wiped, or not wiped at all, but I had somehow managed to put some things away. She would know to say that’s enough for now. And she was very clever about what would satisfy my functional self, who would never have been satisfied with that’s enough. It sobered that functional self to learn when the diagnosis of MS finally came that the “forcing” she had habituated herself to was the worst thing to do if she wanted to preserve her physical abilities.  But as the saying goes, it’s really true that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. So my deeper wiser identity came up with something even more ingenious than this looming threat:

Better Than It Was.

Or, (depending on the context): Cleaner Than It Was.

These two statements became my mottos. And they still are. They allowed me to learn to pace myself while still satisfying that Functional Self that I was making what she considered progress through the daily requirements of life, even if many of them were slowed to a crawl or a downright standstill.  Better Than It Was.

Maria’s story is uniquely her own, and my own sense of high functionality has shifted for reasons that are uniquely mine. But her clever motto has given me great comfort since I first read about it on her blog. So, too, does this quote from Melody Beattie: “Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.”

The best thing about letting go of perfectionism is developing a capacity to recognize that “our best” can look very different from moment to moment. There’s no longer an immovable standard of output. I wish that I’d been able to pry my ego away from productivity and being busy on my own, rather than being forced to reckon with a dramatic shift in my capacities, but in the end, it doesn’t matter how I got here. What matters is that I’m learning to be grateful for what I can do, rather than fixating on what I haven’t, or can’t.

Throughout all of this, I’ve had the tremendous luxury of being able to adjust my schedule and responsibilities in a way that allowed me to create a dynamic “new normal.” Not every person has the space to do this, depending on his or her professional and personal circumstances. I recognize and respect the many men and women who go through periods of depression and anxiety while also keeping up with fixed schedules. And of course I worry sometimes about my DI year: now that I’m learning how to take gentle care in the moments when I need to, what will it be like to temporarily lose control of my schedule and workload?

I don’t have an answer, but to some degree I suspect that I don’t need one. My routine next year will be a challenge, but so long as I can do my best without succumbing to the influence of perfectionism, I know I’ll be OK. Much as I’ve made my schedule more realistic, letting go of perfectionism has been an inside job. It resides in recognizing how futile perfectionism is, how it discourages me needlessly while keeping me from recognizing the good that I can do, and maybe have done (another observation that’s prompted by Beattie).

Here’s to a week—and a month, and a summer, and a year—of doing my best and trusting that my best is enough. I wish the same for you, too. And here’s the weekly roundup of links.

Recipes

I would never think to put fruit in a tabbouleh, but I love Katie’s creative mixture of blueberries, parsley, mint, and quinoa—I’d actually love to try it as a savory breakfast dish!

A very different kind of quinoa salad, but no less delicious: a curried mixture with red cabbage, raisins, and pumpkin seeds from Melanie of Veggie Jam.

Two recipes for summer entertaining caught my eye this past week. The first is these show-stopping chipotle cauliflower nachos from my friend Jeanine of Love & Lemons.

Number two is this platter of green summer rolls with mango miso sauce from Anya of Lazy Cat Kitchen. The sauce alone is calling to me, but I also love all of the tender green veggies here (asparagus, zucchini, broccolini).

Finally, a summery vegan pasta salad with creamy avocado dressing—perfect timing, as pasta salad’s been on my mind lately (and I may just have a recipe coming soon!).

Reads

1. This article is about a month old, but it’s very on-topic for today’s post: why you should stop being so hard on yourself, via The New York Times.

2. Ed Yong’s new article on the threat of imminent global pandemics frightened me (and the blurb under the title didn’t help), but it’s an important topic, and I’m glad that it’s being written about. Yong notes the medical supply shortages that are becoming increasingly problematic in the US; hopefully greater awareness might somehow inspire solutions.

3. Reporting on the termination of a major NIH study of alcohol, heart attack, and stroke, which was shut down when conflicts of interest were identified. It’s an important examination of the ethics of funding and scientific research.

4. Dispatches from the Gulf of California, where the vaquita—now the world’s rarest marine mammal—is on the brink of extinction.

5. I was so full of appreciation and respect when I read my friend Karen’s latest post on numbers and body acceptance.

Like Karen, I went through a long period of asking to be blind weighed at the doctor’s office and not owning a scale. That time served a purpose, but nowadays I can be aware of the number without identifying with it, which I’m grateful for. I’ve had a bunch of doctor’s appointments in the last month, and getting weighed has been the last thing on my mind: feeling more at home in my body has been my only point of focus.

Karen opens up about her own recent experience with the scale and the annual physical, then reflects on why she’s committed to being transparent about what “balance” looks like for her. It’s great to witness her journey unfolding.

On that inspiring note, happy Sunday—and from a celebratory NYC, happy pride! I’ll be circling back this week with my first fruit-filled dessert of the summer.

xo

The post Weekend Reading, 6.24.18 appeared first on The Full Helping.

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Illinois health insurance group insurance question.?

"Illinois health insurance group insurance question.?

I work at a small town business, privately owned. They have some of their employees on health insurance, but they've never offered it to me. I have some health issues, but not enough to be on disability. I found out recently that the lady who worked in my position was offered health insurance, but because she was already on her husbands health insurance, that they had to pay her for NOT being on their insurance. I have tried to research this and see how to approach it but I'm not finding any information, or am unable to phrase the question correctly. Even if you don't know the answer, can you help me figure out how to phrase this better so it comes up in search results?

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I work at a small town business, privately owned. They have some of their employees on health insurance, but they've never offered it to me. I have some health issues, but not enough to be on disability. I found out recently that the lady who worked in my position was offered health insurance, but because she was already on her husbands health insurance, that they had to pay her for NOT being on their insurance. I have tried to research this and see how to approach it but I'm not finding any information, or am unable to phrase the question correctly. Even if you don't know the answer, can you help me figure out how to phrase this better so it comes up in search results?

Auto Insurance coverage -- How much Liability and Medical?

I got a couple of questions about about auto insurance coverage. Namely, what's the best amount of liability and medical coverage to select. 1) For the liability, I know it's wise to get the best liability that one can afford to cover your assets. But how about if one also gets umbrella coverage. For example, if one gets an umbrella coverage at a $2 million limit and the liability limit for the auto insuarance is $300,000 or $500,000, does it make sense to select the $500,000 or is it better to select the $300,000 limit since the umbrella coverage would kick in? 2) for medical, is this redundant coverage and not needed because wouldn't the liability portion also cover medical expenses? Or is it wise to get this, for example, if a passenger is not insured (no health insurance), so the medical part would help out in that case? Thanks.""

Insurance deductible?

Someone rearended me and damaged my bumper.and my car did not start after that.I have insurance and she does too.wil I have to pay for any thing at all

Why is classic car insurance more?

For a teen I mean. I know these types of cars need special insurance companies but these special companies don't take 18 year old drivers. I'm currently parting out a 76 camaro with a tired 250 v6 so it's not fast in any ways. Though it is still called a sports coupe . so I was curious and got a quote and they quoted me $550 a month. strange thing is my friend drives an 04 rsx that's standard (the camaro is auto) and pays the same rate monthly under his parents. What are the factors that determine these rates? safety? engine size? the amount of damage they do? I had a 03 civic coupe (standard) briefly and was paying $260 a month under my parents insurance. According to the insurance company, all these cars are considered sports cars and therefore have higher rates however they would not tell me the reasons why and that is what I am here to ask.""

2 questions on car insurance?

1) I'm looking to buy a car soon after I pass my driving test in 2 weeks. I'm 20, I'll be turning 21 in November. I seen that the insurance price for a 17-20 year old is around 2400 and the price for a 21-24 year old is around 2000. If I were to get insurance 2 months before my 21st birthday, would I be able to pay 2 monthly rates of the 17-20 year old price and then convert onto the 21-24 year old price? Or am I stuck with the 20 year old price for one year? 2) If I were to set the voluntary excess to a higher amount to get a lower premium, would I be able to change the voluntary excess when I renew my car insurance? Or is it possible to change it every month if I chose to pay monthly? Thanks.""

Im 19 years and i need a car but im woried about the insurance?

Hi im 19 years old. I have a good job but no credit. i recently saw this 2000 dollars car. how much could i be paying for the insurance.

My auto insurance raised twice as much for not being insured for more then 30-days?

I had auto insurance with state farm and my policy was $180 (just liablilty)per month for 12 months. I ran into some issues with money and could not pay so I cancelled the policy and avoided driving for a little over a month. I recently went to another agency to find a cheaper insurance and they said since i had a registered vehicle that was uninsured for more than 30 days, there is a penalty. Now I pay $340 for 8 months (just liablilty). 3 agency's told me the same thing. My question is will this ever change? How long will I have this penalty ? I have a clean driving record besides this and feel this is unfair and cannot afford it. Is there anything I can do to go back to paying $180p month? When did insurance companies start doing this? I have not found anything similiar through my research. Thanks""

Average cost of insurance and registration in Utah?

My husband and I are looking into getting two different vehicles and I am just trying to get an estimate on how much its going to cost to register them and how much I may need up front for insurance. I am 24 years old, my husband is 23 and a former truck driver. The two cars are a 1996 grand caravan (red if needed) and a 1980 Chevette (black if needed). I do not know mileage yet for either one.""

""Insured vehicle in NY, and registered in CA, Is that legal?""

I have lived in NY all my life untill 2 months ago when i moved to CA. Now I'm looking to get a second truck for transportation. My current and only car is still registered and insured in NY state, what will happen when if i buy this and want to add this for my second vehicle on my current insurance? Will registering it in CA and have insurance on it in NY work? thanks.""

Estimate of car insurance for fiat 500c first time driver?

My first car is going to be a fiat 500c thats about 3 years old. I am 18 years old in the UK whats an estimate of price for the insurance for the year?

How much would Car Insurance cost?

I've been given a Ford Focus 1.6, 5 Door Zetec 03 Plate.. First of all it has a year Insurance can that just be transfered into my name? & also how much would Insurance cost for a new 19 year old Male driver?""

Car insurance can be annoying.?

heres the situation... my boyfriend and i recently broken up.we are having our first child together,im 20 hes 23.we both decided to go in an get a new car for me,but since his credit was a lil better then i.his name was first as in the car belonged to him,and i became cosigner.i make the car payments,and pay half insurance.his responsibility was to pay for the other half insurance,and now that were not together,hes not willing to pay.well at first he said he wasnt willing to.now he is.BUT...am i able to refinance the car and put it in my name,and insurance.i dont want him to think he can pay when he wants or not,becuse were not together anymore.so im trying to find ways,so that car is mine,and he has no way of taking it or what not.i need it not just for me,but for our child.any advice?""

""If I fill in a online Auto Insurance quote ,give them information like my SS# am I at risk for Idenity Theft?""

If I fill in a online Auto Insurance quote ,give them information like my Social Security number and the rest of my personal information that I am I asked for online am I putting myself at risk for Identity Theft?""

Cheap car insurance companies in the UK for young males?

Cheap car insurance companies in the UK for young males?

Insurance for 1987 jeep wrangler?

Just wondering how much you pay for insurance if you have something like an 87' wrangler. Don't give me the just go to this site and get a quote. , I'd just like some numbers please ;)""

Car Insurance?

How much does a demerit point affect the insurance in premium outflow? I mean if I get a point how much more would I pay in insurance per month? Also which carrier is the best for point heavy drivers? Thank you

My insurance is like $300 a month...help?

I just got a free quote from whipers.com but my insurance is still a little high...what can I do to lower it to like $75 a month or is that not realistic?

How much are you paying for motorcycle insurance?

I'm trying to get a quote for insurance on a 2008 Ducati 848. I tried Geico, State Farm, All State abd Progressive but they all are quoting me around the same which is around 4k a year for full coverage and 1k a year for just liability. This seems crazy to me as im only paying $350 a year right now for full coverage on my ninja 250. I know the Duc has a much larger engine but the price difference is drastic. Im a 23 year old male with 2-3 years riding experience. Clean record and i did the MSF course when i started riding. The 848 im trying to buy is used and i would be paying in full. How much are you guys paying?""

Does living on an unpaved road affect car or home insurance rates?

I'm doing some research and I can't find out if living on unpaved roads affect car or home insurance rates. Please help me :)

How do I get points taken off of my license?

i live in California and i about 2 months ago crashed my car and was cited for a failure to yield ticket, because i am only 16 i got a restricted license and i have to attend traffic school as well as getting a point, i was wonder if i could get that point taken off?""

How much will insurace cost me on a 2005 jaguar type s or on a 2006 audi A4?

want to get one of those cars but i want to have a idea of how much it will cost in insurance. i got 1 year with my license or it will go up on my dads name he has like alot of years more then 30 with out accidents or anything. plz any info or if u have one of this cars. give me a idea of how much it will cost me or if u know any website i could find out. thanks. o ya the jaguar is a v6 3.0 and the audi v4 2.0. both leather i will get a bunch of chicks with this cars.

""I am looking for car insurance in uk,can you recommend one?""

Every year,my insurance goes up even with 5 years no claim and same car. Why? It should have been cheaper surely, I heard of quidco,is it worth the hassle?""

Can my mom insure my car if her name isn't on the title?

Right now I am driving a car my mom bought so only she is on the title and she insures it. I just bought a new one and was wondering if I put the title of the car in my name, can she insure it under her name. I just turned 19 and if I got a policy by myself in my own name I would have to pay more than twice as much as I do now (I give my mom the money for insurance its just under her name).""

Car insurance for a teenage female?

i'll be turning sixteen soon and im curious as to what the average cost rate with state farm for a new driver is?

What is the average cost of insurance for a day care center?

What is the average cost of insurance for a day care center?

Which car insurance company is the best? How much do you py for car insurance each month?

Which car insurance company is the best? How much do you py for car insurance each month?

Illinois health insurance group insurance question.?

I work at a small town business, privately owned. They have some of their employees on health insurance, but they've never offered it to me. I have some health issues, but not enough to be on disability. I found out recently that the lady who worked in my position was offered health insurance, but because she was already on her husbands health insurance, that they had to pay her for NOT being on their insurance. I have tried to research this and see how to approach it but I'm not finding any information, or am unable to phrase the question correctly. Even if you don't know the answer, can you help me figure out how to phrase this better so it comes up in search results?

Rover Mini insurance

Hi, im 16 years old and want to buy a rover mini pre 1997 as they have an airbag then, i wanted to know roughly how much it would cost to insure a 17/18 year old in a 1.3 litre rover mini. And im not a speed obsessed crazy teen, i would want to keep it nice and would not drive that fast anyway. Anyone know a figure?""

""Car insurance, what to do?""

So my predicament is this. I am a 19 year old going to college. I am a full-time student(12-14units) I really need car insurance, because I have a car and a license, but my problem is. I don't possess the money to pay for the insurance, and I live in a town where finding a job is impossible. I have about, 500 dollars saved up, but not sure how long that will last me. I live in American canyon California, I am 19, and my GPA is 3.6.""

How to get Public Liability Insurance?

Hi, so my friends and I are having a party in a month and we're considering holding it at a local school hall. I called the person in charge of organizing the hall hire and they said that I need public liability insurance to hire it out for the night. How do I go about getting the insurance and roughly how much will it cost? We wanted to hire the room for about four hours and use it to accommodate about 15 people. Simple answers would be best since I don't know all the fancy words describing finances and Insurance. Thank you!""

Is this a good insurance quote ?? from quinn direct!!!?

ive just got a renault clio 1.3 1993 automatic k reg, very clean an just had new cam belt an sumthing else lol an new tyres lol so just passed all the mot, !!!yeah!!! lol so ive been quoted 318.56 no claim bonus im going on as provisinal driver an my partner as a full clean license. do u think that is a good one ? or can it get any cheaper lol""

Do i have to have car insurance to get my permit in portland oregon?

So im a 14 year old girl and i turn 15 in October on the 20th and i was wondering if i really need car insurance to get my permit cause my step mom told me i do and if i do i don't see why.

Help with getting car insurance in NY?

I really need to get a car, just got my drivers license but the insurance companies are trying to charge me over 600 a month. I have heard about people getting their insurance in maryland and other close by states, will i be able to do that? or anything ? oh and i'm 22 btw""

Is there an afforadable health insurance you can find for self-employed people?

Is there an afforadable health insurance you can find for self-employed people?

I need help with car insurance !?

i am a young driver and i am am hoping to go on my mothers insurance but only for 3 or 4 months as i am going uni soon, i wanted to know how flexible it is to go on her insurance and them remove my self, what are the financial implications this may cause ? i already know it may cause the premium to increase but will this premium decrease back to her existing premium once i am taken off the insurance ? i would also like to pay monthly while i am on the insurance as i am likely to be quoted 1000+ for the year! so after 3 months payment i will take my self off- if this is possible once i am taken off the insurance will my mums premium go back down as she currently only pays 350 for the year please help i know this sound complicated but i will be grateful for any feedback""

I need RV insurance! Who is the best RV insurance company out there?

I need RV insurance and currently live in California. Who provides the best priced RV insurance with good customer service?

What should I do when the at fault party has no car insurance?

I got into a minor car accident, it was the other party's fault but he doesn't have car insurance. Because it was a rental car, my own car insurance is not going to cover. ...show more""

Responsible Insurance company won't pay up.?

Long story short. Not my fault. The guy backed into my car. It was parked to sell it. So no insurance policy on it. My BF and I were sitting in the car out of the rain writting out a new for sale sign. The car vibrated like crazy when we drove it to move it back to my place. The guys insurance company didn't even check the alignment or add it to the estimate. The other estimates don't even include the alignment. There could be more damage. I decided to get cash to another car. I have not signed anything yet or recived the check. My car is worth about 2K. It wouldn't be worth it to fix it. Insurance Company $1013.76 Auto Body Shop $1162.00 Ford Dealership $1284.90 Les Schwab Alignment $90.00 361.14 difference. I asked to raise their quote. The Insurance company said no. If I had go to an auto body repair shop of my choice with 1013.76 they would call and ask for them to kick down more money. I am going to notify the insurance company that in writting that I am taking them to small claims court. Any ideas on the letter that I submitt? My BF and I were injured. The medical people are refusing to bill the insurance company responsible. They wanted me to pay up front and get rembursed later or have some other insurance cover it. I didn't want to wait. I used my work health insurance. So they are getting the bill. Any way I can get the Car insurance company billed?

""Need some advice, about speeding ticket please? No negative opinions please?""

Well I got a speeding ticket on my bike, my first one in 3 years. But thing is I don't have a License or insurance (don't bother, I just never wanted to even bother with the long lines at dmv) and no I'd in possession. So I got a 1200 ticket and I refuse to sell my bike,(yeah they didn't impound it, I'm OK, USA by the way). So any way I can get it reduced? Insurance costs the most. So is could I could the insurance and DL part waived if I got the paperwork?""

Is there an insurance that gives the same benifits as AAA at a lower price?

AAA is awsome but expenisve is there any other car insurance that offers the same benifits at a lower price

Can i stay on my parents health insurance after i am 18 and not a full time student?

I am 17 years old, I will be 18 in september. I just graduated high school and decided not to pursue a higher education at this time. I have heard with the obama health care plan that i can stay on my parents health insurance until i am 26. But i have also heard this doesn't take place until 2014. And i Have heard that you have to be a full time student. So i would like a simple answer that's easy to understand, preferably with a sited source for me to look up. Will i lose my health insurance in 2010 if i am not a full time college student and over the age of 18??? I live in california if that makes any difference as far as the health care plans go. Thanks and appreciate it :)""

How much is my health/car insurance going to be?

i am a 18 year old girl in california. ive never gotten a ticket or pulled over and i drive a 2010 ford fusion se(4 cyllinder) with all the safety features it offers. i dont think i have bad credit because all i have is a debit card that is attached to my parents accounts and they deposit money in it when i need it. so if i try to go over my limit it doesnt let me. we have triple a insurance and our bank is wells fargo. i dont know if having a job changes the price but ive had 2 other jobs and am currently employed in a new one. ive never been fired only laid off once because i was a seasonal worker and i quit another for not enough hours. all 3 jobs are retail jobs not making more than 9 dollars an hour. also i am a full time student with 12 units in a community college. My parents have basically perfect credit, both of them. does anyone know how much it will be for both health and car insurance if i start paying?""

Car insurance/Finance?

I'm wanting to get a cheaper car on finance. I was looking at a few second hand Toyota Aygo's for around 4,000-5,000. But somebody said you need fully comprehensive insurance to be able to get a car on finance, i had forgotten about insurance. But i'm a young driver, so comprehensive is very expensive now, and barely affordable when you add the amount payable for the car each month too. Is it possible to take out a loan, buy the car out right, then pay the loan back monthly.? That way would i be able to have any level of insurance cover on the car?, as Third party fire and theft is much cheaper than comprehensive on a Toyota Aygo. Thanks a lot. :-)""

Car insurance and registration question?

Hi, I'm going to get my car registered today. I was wondering if when I go to get the proof of insurance if it will cost anything today for that? It will be 177 a month for insurance, and 303 for the license plate and registration and all that. But I wasn't sure if you get any charges right then and there for insurance?? Thanks. I also live in MA and I'm going with commerce if that helps.""

""What's the difference in the government requiring you to buy health insurance, and car insurance?""

________________________________ Okay, I don't think I got my question across last time. My last question I also said: Some state, maybe all, require you to buy car insurance. So, what's the difference between those two? The government is requiring you to buy something. I disagree with ObamaCare, but I also disagree with Car Insurance, but why aren't people getting all bent out of shape out that? __________________________________ To add on to that: I understand driving a car is a privildge, but I don't understand why I am required to buy car insurance for owning a car. I feel like that would be saying you have to buy fire insurance for you house because you might catch someone else's house on fire. But, what if you are a good driver and don't wreck, why are you still required to buy insurance? I don't see the government telling me what I need to buy and what I don't buy when I own something. I can understand the danger to others, but insurance doesn't make a driver better or worse. If you are a bad driver you need insurance to cover your bad driving, but if your a good driver why do you still need insurance?""

Can you find a insurance quote for a car ie rover 45 on a y registered plate?

please find list of car insurance firms

Can I get liability insurance if I do a roll over?

I'm currently financing a vehicle and I simply can't afford it anymore. I'm considering doing a trade in for a cheaper car. I would be trading in my car which has a higher value than the car. So there will still be a finance going on but it would be a rollover. Will the other technically be paid off meaning that I'd be able to get liability on it? I just need to lower my payments because it's too much to handle right now so even some ways that I can lower my payments or insurance would be nice.

Financial responsability in California (auto insurance) ticket.?

So I was recently given a citation during a trip to Northern California. Here's the condensed version; I went out with a group of friends to have dinner and drinks. It was about 10 people altogether, three car loads. I was originally not one of the drivers (I flew in from Southern California). Several of my friends/acquiantances drank heavily during dinner. I was asked as a favor to drive one of the car and the car owner's home. The car I drove belonged to my good friend's neighbor. I received a speeding ticket during the drive to the neighbor's home (73 in a 65) PLUS no insurance!!! I informed the officer that it was not my car and that it belonged to the passed out lady in the back but he didn't care and decided to write me the ticket anyway. Now I've been told that I will have to pay for it ($988) plus my speeding ticket. I spoke with my good friend about it but the neighbor now refuses to go to court with me or write a letter at the least explaining the scenario.""

Car Insurance?

Okay so I'm sixteen and I got my license about two months ago. But I haven't been allowed to drive yet because I don't have car insurance. Is it really illegal to drive without car insurance?

Can employers in California ask for medical record for insurance risk assessment?

Can employers in California ask for medical record for insurance risk assessment?

How can you justify paying this much for insurance?

my insurance was canceled on my a month ago so im shopping around. i have a friend who is a broker who recommended using progressive - for $711 a month. wtf. i have 1 speeding ticket, 1 minor traffic violation, and one comp claim. i used to have state farm and the most i ever paid was $240 a month. this is just wrong in all respects. how do they expect any 21 year old to pay that much? thats a rent payment. i have an 05 scion tc, im wondering if buying a cheap beater would affect the price at all.""

Under parents car insurance in another state?

im going to another state for college, can i stay under my parents car insurance?""

Illinois health insurance group insurance question.?

I work at a small town business, privately owned. They have some of their employees on health insurance, but they've never offered it to me. I have some health issues, but not enough to be on disability. I found out recently that the lady who worked in my position was offered health insurance, but because she was already on her husbands health insurance, that they had to pay her for NOT being on their insurance. I have tried to research this and see how to approach it but I'm not finding any information, or am unable to phrase the question correctly. Even if you don't know the answer, can you help me figure out how to phrase this better so it comes up in search results?

How much am I gointo pay for car insurance?

I am 17 turning 18 soon and when I graduate I plan on getting a 2011 Subaru WRX STI or a 2012 Mustang GT . I was just wondering how much I am going to be paying for insurance on either one. I will be 18 when I get it, I am a male and have a clean driving record. Please help, this will most likely be the deciding factor for which car I get. I would also like to know which car you would get. Thanks!!!""

Individual health insurance?

DOes anyone have or know of any good individual policies? Im currently self employed and need health insurance. Looking for the best and cheapest!

What are some cars with easily tunable engines and low insurance?

i need a car that i can make faster but i don't wanna pay alot f insurance. specific models please

Insurance Q???

im gonna be getting a car over the summer or on my 16th b-day (winter time) My parents Have State Farm, my zipcode *45616* (ohio) i want a convertible how much do you think my insurance will be, or W/ a Truck.""

Where can I buy my own health/dental insurance at the cheapest price?

When I turned 19 I was no longer legally able to be on my parents insurance coverage. I need to find out where I can purchase my own insurance at a reasonably cheap price...It's ...show more

What are the minimum state requirements for car insurance in california?

What are the minimum state requirements for car insurance in california?

""Need some advice, about speeding ticket please? No negative opinions please?""

Well I got a speeding ticket on my bike, my first one in 3 years. But thing is I don't have a License or insurance (don't bother, I just never wanted to even bother with the long lines at dmv) and no I'd in possession. So I got a 1200 ticket and I refuse to sell my bike,(yeah they didn't impound it, I'm OK, USA by the way). So any way I can get it reduced? Insurance costs the most. So is could I could the insurance and DL part waived if I got the paperwork?""

Do insurance companies rate based on points or violations??

I am 23 and have no points on my licence. I live in maryland and i was pulled over in virginia for speeding and recived a 'failure to obey a highway sign' violation. The officer said he gave me that cause it was a lesser fine, i think it was B.S. cause he didnt have me on radar (i asked to see the radar becase he said i was going 75 in a 65, i felt i was going 70 max.. he said they arent supposed to lock in the speed int he radar but that is a different issue) I contacted a rep from the MVA and he said no points would transfer to my driving record, but the violation would go on my record carrying no points. My question is, do the insurance companies look at just the points on your licence, or do they look at the violation even if there are no points. Also, about 2 years ago I got a ticket for speeding and i went to court and they dropped the points and declinded the fine a little. Im assuming this is on my record as well, but carried no points, would this effect rates as well""

International medical insurance for US-medical trip?

I have a condition that might require surgery in the US, but I don't live there. Please can you recommend an international medical insurance that can cover the surgerical expenses when the need arises? Or anytime i should make a medical -trip to the US?""

Cheaper insurance for full time students?

well this semester i am suppose to be a full time student, because my parents said it makes insurance cheaper but what happens if you withdraw from one of the classes, does the insurance go back up, or they don't know about it, and they assume your still a full time student?""

Health insurance For Football?

I'm going to play football in highschool soon. And i was wondering if i needed health insurance to play or its not required?

Where can i get the cheapest insurance for saxo vtr?

ive just passed my test and i already had the car well before i started lessons. ime 26 with 2 kids under 16. ive been getting stupid quotes for 5000. i know its a boy racers car but it doesnt meen ime going to be doing handbrakes and racing in it. just using it to get to work and take my kids out. i got the car for 600 2000 model and really want this car cant be doing with a 1.0 L or anything under a 1.6 can anyone give me a insurance company that will give me a decent quote. thankssss

How do I fight an insurance company over biased eyewitness testimony?

I was driving in a parking lot with wide lanes and perpendicular spaces when another driver backed out into my passenger side door. The other driver claimed that I was driving too fast and her insurance company is only willing to accept 75% liability for the accident, because of her statements and those of her friends. I don't have any witnesses of my own, but it seems rather unjust that they can base their decision on obviously biased witnesses. Neither the physical nor the circumstantial evidence supports their claims. I've written letters to the insurance company in response to their letter to me, but they haven't replied or made any effort to address my concerns. How do I fight them? This occurred in California.""

""How are your health insurance plans, if you have individual insurance?""

I was asking about those who have health insurance, what are your companies like. Do you like your health companies, are the insurance plans good.""

""Hey, guys! Does anyone know any cheap insurance for UK residents?""

I haven't travelled in a while and now am going to Finland. I must admit, I used to skip all this insurance stuff, but last year I broke a leg while riding a bicycle in the US and spent A WHOLE LOT of money on hospital bills.""

What is the number of health insurance companies in the world?

What is the number of health insurance companies in the world?

""For a new driver 21 or younger, how much did your monthly car insurance decrease every six months? Every year?""

If you are 21 or younger, and pay for your own car insurance. If you have not had any accidents, or ticket violations applied to your driver's license....How much did your monthly car insurance decrease each year? What was your monthly payment from 16-21 years of age if you did NOT drive a sports car? Please list the state you reside in, and whether you live in the city or suburbs. Thanks.""

""What insurance company insures the redskins, or fedex field ?

is there an official insurance sponsor for the redskins

What would be the best choice for health and dental insurance?

I' am 22 year old college student in california and don't have insurance. i was wondering if anyone can help me with choosing a provider. i don't really know how health insurance works. but i would like to get something decent thats not to expensive or to cheap, i do want good coverage just in case. thank you""

How do you get flood insurance from the NFIP?

I already live in a community that enforces the floodplain management ordinances, but how do I get the insurance?""

How can i get insurance from the gov.?

Ok my dad is 37 and has no insurance and we can't afford any either so how can he get insurance from the gov. we kinda need it now cause he thinks he has cancer so please help

Cheap car insurance?

Cheap car insurance?

Cheap goods in transit van insurance?

anyone know of any budget goods in transit insurance?

What is a good but cheap small business insurance company for liability only? I'm in Southern California.?

I would love to hear from people who have experience with these companies...

""What will happen to my car insurance - first time, minor accidental scratch?""

Very icy weather, I was going 20 km/hr (honestly) and when I made a right turn the ice dragged me out into the opposite lane. (It was kind of painful to watch - because I was going to SO slowly into the other car and I kept pumping the breaks but nothing) By the time I hit the car I was about 2 seconds from a complete stop already. Will this hurt my insurance? I've never been in a collision before. There was a litte peeling of paint and a scratch on the other car. Should I call them and offer to pay for it and not get my insurance involved? That's what I heard to do.""

Illinois health insurance group insurance question.?

I work at a small town business, privately owned. They have some of their employees on health insurance, but they've never offered it to me. I have some health issues, but not enough to be on disability. I found out recently that the lady who worked in my position was offered health insurance, but because she was already on her husbands health insurance, that they had to pay her for NOT being on their insurance. I have tried to research this and see how to approach it but I'm not finding any information, or am unable to phrase the question correctly. Even if you don't know the answer, can you help me figure out how to phrase this better so it comes up in search results?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/quick-question-car-insurance-edward-taylor"

[oovitus]

Weekend Reading, 6.24.18

A friend of mine told me that he recently went to a conference where all of the attendees seemed to be talking about perfectionism, in spite of that fact that it wasn’t the conference theme. They were discussing it as people who had been susceptible to impossible standards in the past, but now counted themselves lucky to have let perfectionism go.

As we were talking, it occurred to me that I haven’t thought about perfectionism in a long time, though it had a hold on me for years. Even after I stopped trying to do everything “right,” perfectionism (and to some extent, being “Type A”) was a big part of my identity. I called myself a “recovering perfectionist,” which was truthful, but in retrospect I think it was also my way of continuing to identify with perfectionism and communicate it to others. I didn’t want to be subject to oppressive standards anymore, but I hadn’t yet figured out who I was without them.

In the end, perfectionism exited my life out of necessity; I untangled from it because I didn’t have a choice. Living with bouts of depression and anxiety in the last few years has meant letting go of a lot of my self-imposed notions of what constitutes productivity, success, or a day well spent.

A common experience of depression, I think, is that small, routine asks can suddenly seem insurmountable: doing laundry, cleaning up, running errands. This would have sounded unbelievable to me at one point in my life, when these kinds of to-dos were just afterthoughts, but now I know what it’s like to struggle with the everyday.

I’m thinking back to an afternoon two summers ago that illustrates this perfectly: my anxiety had been particularly bad, and I’d been paralyzed by procrastination all day. By dinnertime I was genuinely proud of myself for having gotten out of the house to pick up groceries and mail a package. This was a radically different measure of productivity than I was used to, and it didn’t matter: I was relieved to have done something, anything.

I’m in a different place now, capable of fuller days, but my perspective remains valuably altered by that experience. I don’t wake up with a fixed agenda anymore. I don’t plan on doing more than I know I can handle. If I notice that tasks remain undone everyday on my modest to-do list, I take it as a sign that I need to plan on doing less, rather than wondering why I can’t do more.

I’ve learned that my capacity for doing and my tendency to get overwhelmed ebb and flow. Sometimes they shift for reasons that I can identify, like how I’m feeling physically or whether something has made me anxious. Sometimes they change suddenly and for no apparent reason. I don’t try to bully myself out of feeling overwhelmed; rather, I ask what would make me feel calmer and more steady.

I often remind myself of a mantra that my friend Maria gave herself when her MS symptoms started keeping her from the pace and routines that had become customary: “better than before.” The origin of this mantra was an ongoing struggle to keep tidy the home she shared with her young son. As Maria’s “functional self” receded, she noticed the presence of another self, who “though less physically versatile, was stronger than I ever could have imagined from the perspective of the one who functioned’ throughout the day. She began to show me things my functional self simply missed.”

One of those things, she goes on to say,

was to be able to notice when I was completely out of energy to exert myself. This might be when something was halfway wiped, or not wiped at all, but I had somehow managed to put some things away. She would know to say that’s enough for now. And she was very clever about what would satisfy my functional self, who would never have been satisfied with that’s enough. It sobered that functional self to learn when the diagnosis of MS finally came that the “forcing” she had habituated herself to was the worst thing to do if she wanted to preserve her physical abilities.  But as the saying goes, it’s really true that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. So my deeper wiser identity came up with something even more ingenious than this looming threat:

Better Than It Was.

Or, (depending on the context): Cleaner Than It Was.

These two statements became my mottos. And they still are. They allowed me to learn to pace myself while still satisfying that Functional Self that I was making what she considered progress through the daily requirements of life, even if many of them were slowed to a crawl or a downright standstill.  Better Than It Was.

Maria’s story is uniquely her own, and my own sense of high functionality has shifted for reasons that are uniquely mine. But her clever motto has given me great comfort since I first read about it on her blog. So, too, does this quote from Melody Beattie: “Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.”

The best thing about letting go of perfectionism is developing a capacity to recognize that “our best” can look very different from moment to moment. There’s no longer an immovable standard of output. I wish that I’d been able to pry my ego away from productivity and being busy on my own, rather than being forced to reckon with a dramatic shift in my capacities, but in the end, it doesn’t matter how I got here. What matters is that I’m learning to be grateful for what I can do, rather than fixating on what I haven’t, or can’t.

Throughout all of this, I’ve had the tremendous luxury of being able to adjust my schedule and responsibilities in a way that allowed me to create a dynamic “new normal.” Not every person has the space to do this, depending on his or her professional and personal circumstances. I recognize and respect the many men and women who go through periods of depression and anxiety while also keeping up with fixed schedules. And of course I worry sometimes about my DI year: now that I’m learning how to take gentle care in the moments when I need to, what will it be like to temporarily lose control of my schedule and workload?

I don’t have an answer, but to some degree I suspect that I don’t need one. My routine next year will be a challenge, but so long as I can do my best without succumbing to the influence of perfectionism, I know I’ll be OK. Much as I’ve made my schedule more realistic, letting go of perfectionism has been an inside job. It resides in recognizing how futile perfectionism is, how it discourages me needlessly while keeping me from recognizing the good that I can do, and maybe have done (another observation that’s prompted by Beattie).

Here’s to a week—and a month, and a summer, and a year—of doing my best and trusting that my best is enough. I wish the same for you, too. And here’s the weekly roundup of links.

Recipes

I would never think to put fruit in a tabbouleh, but I love Katie’s creative mixture of blueberries, parsley, mint, and quinoa—I’d actually love to try it as a savory breakfast dish!

A very different kind of quinoa salad, but no less delicious: a curried mixture with red cabbage, raisins, and pumpkin seeds from Melanie of Veggie Jam.

Two recipes for summer entertaining caught my eye this past week. The first is these show-stopping chipotle cauliflower nachos from my friend Jeanine of Love & Lemons.

Number two is this platter of green summer rolls with mango miso sauce from Anya of Lazy Cat Kitchen. The sauce alone is calling to me, but I also love all of the tender green veggies here (asparagus, zucchini, broccolini).

Finally, a summery vegan pasta salad with creamy avocado dressing—perfect timing, as pasta salad’s been on my mind lately (and I may just have a recipe coming soon!).

Reads

1. This article is about a month old, but it’s very on-topic for today’s post: why you should stop being so hard on yourself, via The New York Times.

2. Ed Yong’s new article on the threat of imminent global pandemics frightened me (and the blurb under the title didn’t help), but it’s an important topic, and I’m glad that it’s being written about. Yong notes the medical supply shortages that are becoming increasingly problematic in the US; hopefully greater awareness might somehow inspire solutions.

3. Reporting on the termination of a major NIH study of alcohol, heart attack, and stroke, which was shut down when conflicts of interest were identified. It’s an important examination of the ethics of funding and scientific research.

4. Dispatches from the Gulf of California, where the vaquita—now the world’s rarest marine mammal—is on the brink of extinction.

5. I was so full of appreciation and respect when I read my friend Karen’s latest post on numbers and body acceptance.

Like Karen, I went through a long period of asking to be blind weighed at the doctor’s office and not owning a scale. That time served a purpose, but nowadays I can be aware of the number without identifying with it, which I’m grateful for. I’ve had a bunch of doctor’s appointments in the last month, and getting weighed has been the last thing on my mind: feeling more at home in my body has been my only point of focus.

Karen opens up about her own recent experience with the scale and the annual physical, then reflects on why she’s committed to being transparent about what “balance” looks like for her. It’s great to witness her journey unfolding.

On that inspiring note, happy Sunday—and from a celebratory NYC, happy pride! I’ll be circling back this week with my first fruit-filled dessert of the summer.

xo

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